Something bugging me...

There's something niggling away at me right now, and it's becoming bothersome, so time to offload and revel in a little catharsis by writing it down. Maybe it won't bother me so much if I do this.

First of all, let me set the scene, get it all straight.

It all started about 6 years ago when I met himself. Life was good, and yes, I did have a spot of bother with my ex who was... well, we weren't compatible, let's put it that way. All the doors in my old house had to be replaced because of holes etc. Let's leave it at that.

So, along comes himself and we hit it off almost immediately. Himself rescued me from a situation with the ex where ex was doing his damndest to keep the binman busy making interesting rubbish out of bits of my furniture. Within three weeks, he proposed (over the phone, I was at work, no it wasn't that romantic a proposal as they go, but meh...) and just over a year later we got married. Small wedding, nothing too fancy, friends and family with unusual wedding cars.

A year or so later, I find that he's been talking to some bird in America and saying things that frankly I would rather he wasn't saying to be honest, and it all reaches a bit of a crux. I got suspicious when he started hiding his messages on his computer, clicking to other screens to cover any conversations and went looking and found out what had been going on. It got sorted, but it's still a little bothersome and comes back to haunt every so often. You know what I mean, that whole "Done it once" thing, although I know it was a long time ago.

Then there was another occasion where he was again caught in a situation that I wasn't happy with. I won't go into details, but it was similar, although closer to home. I think that was about the closest point I came to seriously giving up on everything and just retreating into myself. I felt blank, numb, empty and it took a lot to get over it. Not because of what happened, but because I was lied to about it, and then found the lie.

I can sort of understand both of these situations. After the second one, we managed to sit down and talk about things.

After all that, things seemed to be pootling along as they always did, the occasional hiccup along the way with arguments, shouting matches and so on, but mostly just going through life with not much really happening and unfortunately not a lot of communication. He was at work, I was asleep. He was asleep, I was awake and doing stuff. He was too tired, too busy, not in the mood for talking, and sometimes the same could be said of me. The talk never really happened. It still hasn't happened.

Anyway, I digress.

The thing that's niggling me right now is the fact that it feels like there are currently three people in this relationship. Me, him and her. I won't give her a name, because that would be unfair. Old friends. Old lovers in fact. I thought they had been talking for maybe a year from the shortage of coments I got, but recently I found out they've been talking for four years.

To start with, I didn't want to hear about her. Well, you don't really when someone like that crops up in a marriage that's already had a little more stress on it than necessary. I hung up on him once when I was over visiting friends and my godson and phoned him to find him sat in a pub with her. I was livid. Not even a "by the way..." from him to say that he was going there.

In the spirit of trying to get along, trying to put the past where it belongs and generally just trying to move on, I took everything at face value. Just friends. Just someone for her to talk to. Just someone from his past for him to catch up with. All sounds really nice and amiable till you add in the coincidence that she was having trouble with her ex... That's where I came a little unglued when I first found out they were talking.

So, I try to get along. See previous blog entries for details. She became part of the circle of our friends, and not just someone on his side of things, not just the shadowy figure lurking in the back of my mind. Now I feel like my trust is being abused: conversations get hidden and things get said that I have seen that I really don't agree with on any level. It's passed off as a "joke" but I fail to see the funny side of it. Perhaps my humour is lacking, but I really can't see how any wife would find that sort of thing going on with an ex from their husband's past funny.

I have been branded as "suspicious" and the implication is that I am egocentric because I think I'm the topic of conversation. (Actually I don't think that. I think that sex at least one of the topics of conversation, and sex that includes himself and is exclusive of my company.) Perhaps the person calling me these things is failing to see things from the other side of the fence. I'll make it plain: I dislike being excluded deliberately by conversations being all "secret squirrel" and having MY husband talking filth (from bits I've seen), and having that conversation reciprocated, to someone I do not know well enough to trust. I have to take everyone else's feelings into consderation when I speak or act, but the same concession doesn't seem to apply when it goes the other way. I have to blindly lay my trust in someone who I don't know, and have no idea how serious these conversations between them are. I have to be trusting when I have no grounds to be so.

OK, fine, she once told me that he wasn't her type, but once again, that is something I have to take on trust. Do I believe that? Right now, actually I don't, because everything else going on belies those very words.

So, it's bugging me. He wants to talk, but when given the opportunity, he doesn't. I want to talk, but he's too tired/busy/whatever to talk when the offer is presented. We don't talk till it gets to a point where whatever niggle explodes into an argument, one that could have been resolved by talking. He can talk to her though. Plenty of time to talk to her when he wants to.

Can anyone else see why I have a problem with the situation as it stands, or am I really hormonal, egocentric, suspicious and unfit to talk to on any level other than sarcasm or just plain ignoring? I'm tired of things as they stand and want some sort of resolution, but while no one is talking, nothing gets resolved.

For the record, I could easily contact her on messenger to talk, but she mostly has a busy icon up, and I don't disturb people if they have an away/busy/whatever message showing. That would just be rude.

Himself Part IV

He's not bugging me this time. He's poorly. I know he's really poorly because he's phoned in to work saying he can't go in because he's sick.

He had a trip to the hospital last night and is currently sleeping in the arms of Morpheus, drugged up to the eyeballs on painkillers, anti-inflamatories and tranquilisers. If he's no better in the morning, I'm sending him to the doctors.

I wonder if he will go...

Question time.

Why? Because.

Why not? Because I don't feel like it.

What for? I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

So why not now? Reality hit.

What's changed? I dunno. Perhaps I just thought more about what people said.

What do you want to do now? I think I'll take a step back and evaluate.

Will you talk it over? If I can.

Do you think it will help? It can't hurt, can it?

Will it change anything? I don't know. It hasn't in the past, so I'm not hopeful.

Is there room for optimism? There's always room for optimism, as long as you don't rely on it.

Do you want to get it sorted? Yes, but it helps if there's time to talk, and the inclination to do so.

So do you think anyone listens? Frankly, no.

Is there much point in discussing? I don't know. I'm tired of the arguments that come when things don't get discussed though. Then I get the whole "mood swings" crap thrown at me. I was in a fine mood till something set me off, but that's ignored.

So what set this one off? Oh, just the usual. Secret squirrel club that doesn't include anyone that's not in on the joke.

What's the joke? Usually me. And it's getting old.

Here we go again...

Can't even have a decent moan about stuff now without someone complaining about it. See comment on previous blog entry for details. I'm going to leave it there for the general viewing public to have a look at. I have to wonder why said person bothered to create an identity, post a few comments then post a blog dedicated to complaining about the fact that some blogs are just there to let off steam, vent some frustrations, say what's bugging you without having to stand face to face with someone and say it.

Here's the person who thinks they're better than everyone. Forgive me for the crude link, but I'm computer-illiterate, as has been mentioned before. http://morebitchslap.blogspot.com/

I like my blog. I can say what I mean without having to dress it up in fancy words to please the person who is listening. If you don't like my blog, don't read it. Simple really. I won't get offended if you flick off and read something else. Hell, I don't even know if you flick off and read something else. It's catharsis, not me sitting on my arse doing nothing about the things I'm complaining about. Actually blogging it means I'm doing something. not just accepting it and moving on. I'm challenging myself when I put it down in an entry. I'm not seeking answers from people out there (although suggestions and comments are welcome), I'm seeking answers from myself that I can get by reading what I've written in the past.

Why is it seen as self-pity? I don't moan about it to people I talk to when I'm actually conversing, not just writing a blog. That's the whole point. I'm damn sure I'm not the only one who feels like this either. I talk to people every day, and I rarely mention half the stuff I put in here unless I'm asked, but then I don't put it so bluntly. I have no need for fancy trimmings on here. This is me, stripped bare of the conventions of the world and left to talk to myself.

Perhaps the person mentioned above only read one entry, one where, yes, I was feeling a bit down in the mouth. Did he bother to read the other ones? I sincerely doubt it given that one comment and the subsequent entry. It must be so nice to be him and have a perfect life, but to be honest, I would rather be me with all my ups and downs, failures and triumphs than to have a bland existance, keeping up with the neighbours and having to be perfect every day. I have my faults that I admit to, my failings that I'm not ashamed of, but I also have my triumphs and my interestingly funny moments.

I am human and I act like it. Should we all be perfect suburban carbon copies of the perfect person living perfect lives with nothing to taint the perfect image? I think I prefer being me, shitty as it is some times. At least if you have lows, you can have the high points in life rather than a monotony of sameness.

Every day the same? It was, but with every new entry in here that I can go back and look at, I can see that it's not the same. Every day is different. Every milestone I pass is another year of my life, another month, another week, another day when things happen. I've come a long way since I started this blog, a very long way, and I put some of that down to the fact that I can sit here, write my frustrations and then it's done. I've vented. I've got it out of my system. I move on to the next thing rather than brooding on unresolved issues.

Nobody's perfect, and you're a fool if you think differently. You don't have to blog if you don't want to. You don't have to read them if you don't want to, and you especially don't have to comment if you can't be a human being about it.

I'm all for constructive criticism. Don't get me wrong here. Some people just don't know the meaning of it and prefer to just bash anyone and everyone. I hate to do it, but it's a good line from the bible for the critics... "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and I'd like to add to that... "The rest of you can just shut it".

Strangers

I was watching television earlier. Nothing too exciting, just some naff drama thing, but there was something in it that made me think.

A question came into my head: Who really knows me? Who knows enough about me to be able to stand up and tell people about me and my life? Is there anything to tell?

Of course there is a lot to tell. I've done things in my life that are worth a story or two, are worth a laugh about, are worth something, anything other than anonymity. But who knows those things?

I feel like I'm living in a world of strangers sometimes; lots of people who know my face, know me enough to say "Hello" and smile in that non-committal way we do when we speak to those nameless people we pass every morning on the way to work, school, the shops. Even those that should be the closest to me are still distant. Himself is working more nights than anything else these days, and we rarely communicate about things, just end up talking about his work. I don't have friends who drop round to mine for a chat or a cup of tea. If there's any visiting to do, I'm the one that has to travel. If anyone has a big problem, they know they can cry on my shoulder, but I don't feel that I have anyone that I can cry to any more if I need it.

One of what could have been called my best friends is now so wrapped up in a fantasy roleplay game that if I go round to visit, she doesn't even bother taking time off the computer. I decided that I could do better things with my time than sit staring at a different computer screen or watching television, both things I can do at home and not have to travel for over four hours lugging my stuff with me just so I can have the same thing as I have every day, just with a different set of walls.

Another friend will probably complain that I haven't seen her in a fair few years, and I never call. OK, so I don't call, but then again, neither does she.

The only people I phone regularly now are my parents, and they call me just as much. One of the people I used to call never answered her phone, home or mobile, so I gave up trying to ring.

I sit at home in the evenings with himself at work for the night and I wonder if this is to be the sum total of what I am; the nobody in the corner, the one that people remember when they want something and forget just as quickly when life is OK.

I had a very strange but satisfying upbringing, full of rich experiences with what could be classed as a fairly odd set of parents who let my sister and I experience things, go out and find the world and wonder at its infinite splendour, sometimes from close up, like when I used to fall out of trees, but it was all life experience. I've been places and done things that I took for granted, but now if I mention that I've done something, people look at me like I'm from Mars. I don't speak too much sometimes, because I'm tired of getting the dismissive looks or the bored glances that say "Oh yes, you've done that. Very good. Now can we talk about something more interesting like what happened on one of the soaps last night/my children and their foibles/things that don't include stuff you've done or anything you want to say".

I'm facing the fact that I am probably not as interesting as I think. I never had a great school life. I was bullied a fair bit at various stages. I was never one of the cool kids. I was the one sat in the corner reading a book because I didn't fit in.

I've made an effort over the years to try to fit in somewhere. I did seventeenth centuary battle reenactment for a while, but all the rest of them settled and had families while I didn't. I go to military vehicle shows, but to be honest, I don't have a great passion for them. I like cooking for people and it gives me an outlet for that, although sometimes I do feel invisible, stuck in the kitchen while everyone else is out doing more important things. Admittedly this year was more fun, but it was still just two weeks out of a year and there's been very little after it that would constitute a social life.

Yes, it's been busy for a while with weekends here and there, but to be honest, half the time, I still feel like a fifth wheel, a stranger in the middle. Just last weekend himself and I went to London to see the Secret Policeman's Ball at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a fantastic night at the show, but...

Well, we went with his ex. The one that was mentioned in a previous entry. I didn't really mind too much, but there were points in the evening where I felt like I was the friend and they were the couple. I ended up walking behind them more than once because the pavement narrowed or whatever and I was pushed out of the three. We got drinks at the bar which was very crowded, so himself suggested moving away and said to me to lead on. I moved to a less crowded area to find myself stood there alone. I could see them stood at the bar laughing and joking. More than once I considered just walking out and leaving them to it, but I had no way of getting home and with my keys in my bag back at her place, no way of getting in even if I could get here. They talked about this one and that one, people from their past that I don't know, and about things that happened in the past, their past, nothing to do with me. They talk practically every day on the computer and I'm lucky to get a few hours of his time a day, and most of that he's sat in front of his computer mutely watching a film or talking to other people.

I don't talk much at work, because everyone is busy. I ask about things I'm doing or ask for more work when I've done the tasks they give me to do. I work in HR, so there's little I can talk about when it comes to my work as well since most of it is personal stuff to do with the staff members. I don't talk about my other business, because I don't want to bore people with details about christening gowns, because I can easily say for a fact that it's something the vast majority aren't interested in.

I live in a world of people who don't know me. I live in a quiet world where I have grown so used to being glossed over that I don't know if anyone is genuinely interested in things I say any more or if they're just being polite.

If I am quiet, it's because I don't know what to say any more. If I sit home on my own, it's because I don't know what else I can do. If I don't speak, it's not because I don't like you: Half the time it's because I don't want to say something that would make you not want to speak to me. And so, without speaking, people don't know me, and I live in a world of strangers.

Time and Tide waits for no man...

Where has the time gone? It feels like just last week that I opened my business, but it's been a month.

I finally admitted defeat on building my own website. Frankly, I don't think I have the necessary skills for it and that really showed with my pitiful effort. I now have a friend doing the necessary, and he's doing a far better job than I ever could do. Give me material and a sewing machine and I can create beautiful things. Give me a computer and I end up wanting to throw it out the window while creating something that could probably have been done better by the cat.

I've been working though. That's the good news. I joined a temp agency and am now in my fourth week with a company working in the payroll department. It's fun being back in the workplace, but it leaves so little time for anything else and the weeks just disappear. Before, a week would last what seemed like forever. Now it feels like I've hardly started back after the weekend and it's Friday again.

Weekends have been manic as well. We've been all over the place. Himself took me to Wales the weekend before last to retrieve the last of my gowns from my friends' house so I could get them photographed for the website. The weekend just gone, we went to the Secret Policeman's Ball at the Royal Albert Hall in London.

For those that don't know what it is, the Secret Policeman's Ball is a comedy event. It's not the comedy event of the year, because they don't do it every year. The last one was 15 years ago. It's done in aid of Amnesty International, and the tickets sold out in an hour and a half. OK, we didn't get great seats, but we were there, and we saw it. For those who missed it, it will be shown on UK television, Channel 4, sometime in November, and there's a DVD out near to Christmas. Buy it. You won't regret it. If you like comedy, you'll love it. I'm not going to go through who did what and how funny they were, but I will say this: The Natalie Imbruglia section had me in tears I was laughing so much. You can find out more about Amnesty International at their website. I don't know how to put fancy links in, so the address is as follows: www.amnesty.org.uk

I'm surprised Himself had time off to go see it. Frankly, I think his company are currently overworking him. He's about to start his fourth consecutive week of nights, with a few odd other shifts thrown in just for fun. He's nights this week, nights most of next week, and this weekend coming, I'm going to London to stay with my friend and celebrate his 70th birthday. Himself will have to miss it because of his work. We will see approximately 10 minutes of each other every day while he is working nights. He will get home ten minutes before I leave for work, and by the time I get home, he will more than likely be either heading to the station to catch a train or already on one on his way to work.

Ah well, this week's project in the evenings is a haloween costume for my neighbour. A cowelled cloak with big sleeves for his Death costume to scare the kiddies with. It's all cut and just waiting to be sewn together downstairs. Should have it done by Thursday with any luck. After that... who knows... I have other things to be getting on with including finishing a couple more gowns, doing 8 hour days at work, I also have to squeeze in driving lessons sooner rather than later as well as keeping track of the game players on the MMORPG I help out by Adminning on.

Eventually I may catch up with myself, then wonder what this "free time" lark is all about... I complained a little too loudly about having nothing to do I think...