Strangers
I was watching television earlier. Nothing too exciting, just some naff drama thing, but there was something in it that made me think.
A question came into my head: Who really knows me? Who knows enough about me to be able to stand up and tell people about me and my life? Is there anything to tell?
Of course there is a lot to tell. I've done things in my life that are worth a story or two, are worth a laugh about, are worth something, anything other than anonymity. But who knows those things?
I feel like I'm living in a world of strangers sometimes; lots of people who know my face, know me enough to say "Hello" and smile in that non-committal way we do when we speak to those nameless people we pass every morning on the way to work, school, the shops. Even those that should be the closest to me are still distant. Himself is working more nights than anything else these days, and we rarely communicate about things, just end up talking about his work. I don't have friends who drop round to mine for a chat or a cup of tea. If there's any visiting to do, I'm the one that has to travel. If anyone has a big problem, they know they can cry on my shoulder, but I don't feel that I have anyone that I can cry to any more if I need it.
One of what could have been called my best friends is now so wrapped up in a fantasy roleplay game that if I go round to visit, she doesn't even bother taking time off the computer. I decided that I could do better things with my time than sit staring at a different computer screen or watching television, both things I can do at home and not have to travel for over four hours lugging my stuff with me just so I can have the same thing as I have every day, just with a different set of walls.
Another friend will probably complain that I haven't seen her in a fair few years, and I never call. OK, so I don't call, but then again, neither does she.
The only people I phone regularly now are my parents, and they call me just as much. One of the people I used to call never answered her phone, home or mobile, so I gave up trying to ring.
I sit at home in the evenings with himself at work for the night and I wonder if this is to be the sum total of what I am; the nobody in the corner, the one that people remember when they want something and forget just as quickly when life is OK.
I had a very strange but satisfying upbringing, full of rich experiences with what could be classed as a fairly odd set of parents who let my sister and I experience things, go out and find the world and wonder at its infinite splendour, sometimes from close up, like when I used to fall out of trees, but it was all life experience. I've been places and done things that I took for granted, but now if I mention that I've done something, people look at me like I'm from Mars. I don't speak too much sometimes, because I'm tired of getting the dismissive looks or the bored glances that say "Oh yes, you've done that. Very good. Now can we talk about something more interesting like what happened on one of the soaps last night/my children and their foibles/things that don't include stuff you've done or anything you want to say".
I'm facing the fact that I am probably not as interesting as I think. I never had a great school life. I was bullied a fair bit at various stages. I was never one of the cool kids. I was the one sat in the corner reading a book because I didn't fit in.
I've made an effort over the years to try to fit in somewhere. I did seventeenth centuary battle reenactment for a while, but all the rest of them settled and had families while I didn't. I go to military vehicle shows, but to be honest, I don't have a great passion for them. I like cooking for people and it gives me an outlet for that, although sometimes I do feel invisible, stuck in the kitchen while everyone else is out doing more important things. Admittedly this year was more fun, but it was still just two weeks out of a year and there's been very little after it that would constitute a social life.
Yes, it's been busy for a while with weekends here and there, but to be honest, half the time, I still feel like a fifth wheel, a stranger in the middle. Just last weekend himself and I went to London to see the Secret Policeman's Ball at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a fantastic night at the show, but...
Well, we went with his ex. The one that was mentioned in a previous entry. I didn't really mind too much, but there were points in the evening where I felt like I was the friend and they were the couple. I ended up walking behind them more than once because the pavement narrowed or whatever and I was pushed out of the three. We got drinks at the bar which was very crowded, so himself suggested moving away and said to me to lead on. I moved to a less crowded area to find myself stood there alone. I could see them stood at the bar laughing and joking. More than once I considered just walking out and leaving them to it, but I had no way of getting home and with my keys in my bag back at her place, no way of getting in even if I could get here. They talked about this one and that one, people from their past that I don't know, and about things that happened in the past, their past, nothing to do with me. They talk practically every day on the computer and I'm lucky to get a few hours of his time a day, and most of that he's sat in front of his computer mutely watching a film or talking to other people.
I don't talk much at work, because everyone is busy. I ask about things I'm doing or ask for more work when I've done the tasks they give me to do. I work in HR, so there's little I can talk about when it comes to my work as well since most of it is personal stuff to do with the staff members. I don't talk about my other business, because I don't want to bore people with details about christening gowns, because I can easily say for a fact that it's something the vast majority aren't interested in.
I live in a world of people who don't know me. I live in a quiet world where I have grown so used to being glossed over that I don't know if anyone is genuinely interested in things I say any more or if they're just being polite.
If I am quiet, it's because I don't know what to say any more. If I sit home on my own, it's because I don't know what else I can do. If I don't speak, it's not because I don't like you: Half the time it's because I don't want to say something that would make you not want to speak to me. And so, without speaking, people don't know me, and I live in a world of strangers.
A question came into my head: Who really knows me? Who knows enough about me to be able to stand up and tell people about me and my life? Is there anything to tell?
Of course there is a lot to tell. I've done things in my life that are worth a story or two, are worth a laugh about, are worth something, anything other than anonymity. But who knows those things?
I feel like I'm living in a world of strangers sometimes; lots of people who know my face, know me enough to say "Hello" and smile in that non-committal way we do when we speak to those nameless people we pass every morning on the way to work, school, the shops. Even those that should be the closest to me are still distant. Himself is working more nights than anything else these days, and we rarely communicate about things, just end up talking about his work. I don't have friends who drop round to mine for a chat or a cup of tea. If there's any visiting to do, I'm the one that has to travel. If anyone has a big problem, they know they can cry on my shoulder, but I don't feel that I have anyone that I can cry to any more if I need it.
One of what could have been called my best friends is now so wrapped up in a fantasy roleplay game that if I go round to visit, she doesn't even bother taking time off the computer. I decided that I could do better things with my time than sit staring at a different computer screen or watching television, both things I can do at home and not have to travel for over four hours lugging my stuff with me just so I can have the same thing as I have every day, just with a different set of walls.
Another friend will probably complain that I haven't seen her in a fair few years, and I never call. OK, so I don't call, but then again, neither does she.
The only people I phone regularly now are my parents, and they call me just as much. One of the people I used to call never answered her phone, home or mobile, so I gave up trying to ring.
I sit at home in the evenings with himself at work for the night and I wonder if this is to be the sum total of what I am; the nobody in the corner, the one that people remember when they want something and forget just as quickly when life is OK.
I had a very strange but satisfying upbringing, full of rich experiences with what could be classed as a fairly odd set of parents who let my sister and I experience things, go out and find the world and wonder at its infinite splendour, sometimes from close up, like when I used to fall out of trees, but it was all life experience. I've been places and done things that I took for granted, but now if I mention that I've done something, people look at me like I'm from Mars. I don't speak too much sometimes, because I'm tired of getting the dismissive looks or the bored glances that say "Oh yes, you've done that. Very good. Now can we talk about something more interesting like what happened on one of the soaps last night/my children and their foibles/things that don't include stuff you've done or anything you want to say".
I'm facing the fact that I am probably not as interesting as I think. I never had a great school life. I was bullied a fair bit at various stages. I was never one of the cool kids. I was the one sat in the corner reading a book because I didn't fit in.
I've made an effort over the years to try to fit in somewhere. I did seventeenth centuary battle reenactment for a while, but all the rest of them settled and had families while I didn't. I go to military vehicle shows, but to be honest, I don't have a great passion for them. I like cooking for people and it gives me an outlet for that, although sometimes I do feel invisible, stuck in the kitchen while everyone else is out doing more important things. Admittedly this year was more fun, but it was still just two weeks out of a year and there's been very little after it that would constitute a social life.
Yes, it's been busy for a while with weekends here and there, but to be honest, half the time, I still feel like a fifth wheel, a stranger in the middle. Just last weekend himself and I went to London to see the Secret Policeman's Ball at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a fantastic night at the show, but...
Well, we went with his ex. The one that was mentioned in a previous entry. I didn't really mind too much, but there were points in the evening where I felt like I was the friend and they were the couple. I ended up walking behind them more than once because the pavement narrowed or whatever and I was pushed out of the three. We got drinks at the bar which was very crowded, so himself suggested moving away and said to me to lead on. I moved to a less crowded area to find myself stood there alone. I could see them stood at the bar laughing and joking. More than once I considered just walking out and leaving them to it, but I had no way of getting home and with my keys in my bag back at her place, no way of getting in even if I could get here. They talked about this one and that one, people from their past that I don't know, and about things that happened in the past, their past, nothing to do with me. They talk practically every day on the computer and I'm lucky to get a few hours of his time a day, and most of that he's sat in front of his computer mutely watching a film or talking to other people.
I don't talk much at work, because everyone is busy. I ask about things I'm doing or ask for more work when I've done the tasks they give me to do. I work in HR, so there's little I can talk about when it comes to my work as well since most of it is personal stuff to do with the staff members. I don't talk about my other business, because I don't want to bore people with details about christening gowns, because I can easily say for a fact that it's something the vast majority aren't interested in.
I live in a world of people who don't know me. I live in a quiet world where I have grown so used to being glossed over that I don't know if anyone is genuinely interested in things I say any more or if they're just being polite.
If I am quiet, it's because I don't know what to say any more. If I sit home on my own, it's because I don't know what else I can do. If I don't speak, it's not because I don't like you: Half the time it's because I don't want to say something that would make you not want to speak to me. And so, without speaking, people don't know me, and I live in a world of strangers.
posted by Me at 12:02 am
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