Little things
Why is it the little things in life that throw you?
I went to my friend's funeral yesterday. Everyone gathered at the house first, and while there, I went up to his room. The empty bed made me almost break down. I don't know why, but I expected him to be there.
Someone drove his favourite vehicle to the crematorium, and the sight of it, then realising he wasn't the one driving had me in bits.
The flowers... The people... Seeing his coffin... "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust"...
Little things, but all so emotional.
Paul was there too. My first sight of him made my heart nearly stop. The small curl of hair at the nape of his neck that makes his hairline lopsided... The way he stands... The sound of his voice...
Little things, but reminders that pull me back to a place I thought I had left behind.
He didn't speak to me. I wanted to ask him if he was ok, but I couldn't go near him. If he had come to me, I could have spoken to him, but he didn't. He avoided me as much as possible, and for that I am partly grateful, but also partly upset.
I made sure people kept him in the loop with regards news of our friend, because I wanted to make sure he knew what was happening. I hope my friend's sister was the one to give him the sad news over the phone- she said she would ring him when I spoke to her on the day of Lala's death.
I care about how he is coping with the loss. I care about him full stop. It's part of my nature, but also because of how I feel about him. I can't change that or make it magically go away, much as it would help me get on with my own life. I can't hate him even though he did so many things that should never have hapened. He is still my husband and I still care. I'm aware that doesn't work both ways though, and that adds to my sadness- from July 2000 till November 2007 is a long time to be with someone and then not care. I wish I could do it, because it would make things so much easier.
I still miss him every day, but I am aware I need to learn to live without him and to cope with the times I will see him. Perhaps once everything is over and the last bit of paperwork is in I will be able to move on. Perhaps not, but I'm going to try anyway. I have to take care of myself in the meantime and try not to get too upset by everything. That just leads to a place I don't want to go back to- a place of dark thoughts and stupid actions.
I just said goodbye to my friend. For his sake, I will try to keep going and not give in.
Lala, I will miss you. Sleep peacefully.
I went to my friend's funeral yesterday. Everyone gathered at the house first, and while there, I went up to his room. The empty bed made me almost break down. I don't know why, but I expected him to be there.
Someone drove his favourite vehicle to the crematorium, and the sight of it, then realising he wasn't the one driving had me in bits.
The flowers... The people... Seeing his coffin... "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust"...
Little things, but all so emotional.
Paul was there too. My first sight of him made my heart nearly stop. The small curl of hair at the nape of his neck that makes his hairline lopsided... The way he stands... The sound of his voice...
Little things, but reminders that pull me back to a place I thought I had left behind.
He didn't speak to me. I wanted to ask him if he was ok, but I couldn't go near him. If he had come to me, I could have spoken to him, but he didn't. He avoided me as much as possible, and for that I am partly grateful, but also partly upset.
I made sure people kept him in the loop with regards news of our friend, because I wanted to make sure he knew what was happening. I hope my friend's sister was the one to give him the sad news over the phone- she said she would ring him when I spoke to her on the day of Lala's death.
I care about how he is coping with the loss. I care about him full stop. It's part of my nature, but also because of how I feel about him. I can't change that or make it magically go away, much as it would help me get on with my own life. I can't hate him even though he did so many things that should never have hapened. He is still my husband and I still care. I'm aware that doesn't work both ways though, and that adds to my sadness- from July 2000 till November 2007 is a long time to be with someone and then not care. I wish I could do it, because it would make things so much easier.
I still miss him every day, but I am aware I need to learn to live without him and to cope with the times I will see him. Perhaps once everything is over and the last bit of paperwork is in I will be able to move on. Perhaps not, but I'm going to try anyway. I have to take care of myself in the meantime and try not to get too upset by everything. That just leads to a place I don't want to go back to- a place of dark thoughts and stupid actions.
I just said goodbye to my friend. For his sake, I will try to keep going and not give in.
Lala, I will miss you. Sleep peacefully.
posted by Me at 3:01 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home