Monday, June 29, 2009

Too hot..

The weather is too hot for me... I'm hiding in the house where it's a bit cooler, but still slowly melting.

In other news, I'm still not divorced. I just had to send yet another list of my stuff that's left in the house to my solicitor, because Paul won't speak to me on the phone to sort things out. It's now beyond a joke with what's going on, and it's doing my health no good whatsoever. My solicitor has been communicating with Paul's solicitors and there's currently an argument over who gets to divorce whom. I, naturally want mine to go through, and Paul wants his to go through. The thing is, from what my solicitor has told me, if Paul goes with his divorce, he has to swear under oath that the particulars are true and correct. If he does, then he will be committing perjury. There's enough proof that his particulars are a fabrication out there, so he can't plead that it was what he saw from his point of view.

This is not confirmation of service of his papers by the way. They were sent to my solicitor and I only know about the particulars third hand. I originally wrote a cross-petition, so I had to know some of the stuff he'd written, and trust me, it's a load of crap. The problem with the cross petition is that it costs 300 quid to submit it to the courts, which is 300 quid more than I have spare. Actually, it's 300 quid more than I have, never mind spare. To get fee exemption, there's a time limit to get proof of income in. My solicitor had to ask the benefits service for proof... The time limit is 14 days. The benefits service take 3 weeks... Needless to say, I can't get fee exemption, so that's the cross petition out the window.

My divorce was issued in late January or early February, and only recently have we had anything from his solicitors. They've been whining that their divorce was issued first. I don't give a monkey's chuff. At least mine is accurate.

Well Mr B's solicitors, kindly ask your client if his particulars are in fact the truth or a complete load of utter bollocks fabricated to make him look like a poor, long-suffering husband instead of the ignorant, selfish, bullying wife-beater he really is.

A small snippet...

Paul said I was constantly ill. I was off work in 2002 for 6 months caused by depression, which he didn't help by having an online affair with an American, which I found out about while still ill. Nice, huh? I was also off work from June 2005 and was given ill health severance in April 2006 because of a balance disorder following a partial thyroidectomy to remove a tumour on my thyroid. During this period of illness, I found out he was having "fun" with a friend of mine, parked in his car in the car park behind her house. He's such a caring husband, isn't he?

After that I apparently had a couple of days work here and there working for an agency after I was ill. The truth is that I worked one day in an HR department at one company, then the following week started working in HR in another company in town. I was a temp there for 3 months, then they took me on for a 9 month contract, so I was there for a year total. Hardly a few days here and there.

Paul accused me of hiding the mail. First off, he was told less than 24 hours after I left where all the mail was, since he was looking for some tickets to something that he had ordered. I had moved it from its customary open cardboard box next to where he parked his bike every day to a black bag in the same place, as I needed the box to pack some of my more delicate things in. I regularly (for regularly read "every time it got to a state where I could hardly open the door") scraped his mail off the hall carpet and shoved it in the box, because he never picked any mail up off the floor. There were piles of mail in the hall, dining room, living room... Just about everywhere really. There's enough people who saw it too to prove him a liar. I generally opened my mail. He waitied for people to phone him asking for cash rather than dealing with paper bills that came through the door. I sometimes paid them anyway rather than wait for the "Final demand-pay-up-or-get-cut-off" letters.

Paul said I admitted that I wanted to have sex with another man which he found hurtful. Hurtful my ass. The truth has been documented here: he told me to go get it elsewhere because he was dysfunctional. I was staying with friends the weekend of that conversation, and they were witnesses to the whole lot. More proof of his lies.

Ah well, if he insists on being done for perjury, that's fine. Last person I can think of getting done for it was Jeffrey Archer, and he went to prison for it. Your choice Mr B.

I know he probably doesn't read this, but perhaps someone could give him a hint that it might be worth his while to take a quick squint at this one. It's for his own good. Really.

While you're reading this Mr B, just a little heads up about something your "friends" have been saying. There's some who have met the bird, and frankly one comment that keeps getting mentioned is that it looks like you're dating your gran. Their words, not mine. I at least have the guts to put it in public what people are saying. I've never met her, so I have no clue what she looks like, so the opinions are not mine. I'm just passing on the comments that you will never hear from them.

Ah well, shrink again tomorrow to try and get through the mess that's been left in my head by Mr B. I'm still having nightmares, not sleeping properly, eating too little and my doctor has already complained that I'm dehydrated because I'm not looking after myself. The Bear is doing his best, blessim, but he's getting really annoyed about the situation I've been left in and the callous treatment that I'm getting from Mr B. This is one of my better days where I managed to go out, but didn't really like being away from the house.

The good news is that I've managed not to self-harm for a couple of weeks now, so that's a bit of progress. Mind you, it's probably because digging bloody great holes in myself no longer hurts. I don't have any painkillers in my house either, so that means I can't overdose on them either. It hasn't stopped me thinking about it tho.

Ho hum... 3 month waiting list for psychiatric treatment for the PTSD... I'll wait... I just want to get past this whole mess and move on.

The bit I find unfair is that Paul has a life, a job, a house, money, good health and can go where he wants, when he wants. I am stuck indoors most of the time, can't work, get a pittance from the government that has to cover all my bills, rented accommodation that's not secure as the lease is being sold at the moment, and my health is crap. I can't even go to Beltring because he will be there, and I can't be doing with living on temazepam and other tranquilisers just to go to a vehicle show. Mr B has contributed absolutely nothing to my health or wellbeing since the day I left. I tried to take things to the amicable stage and got a kick in the teeth when he posted in his blog (couldn't even tell me himself) that he was just making the right noises in the right places and wasn't even interested.

I'm in limbo. I want out. I want a life.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

More stuff going on...

Well, I've been busy... Mum visited a couple of weeks back, my friend S is over this weekend and my mate L is planning on coming down in the week. All in all it's keeping me busy, so I don't mind. Having someone else in the house means I think less about things and have to concentrate on being the hostess and friend rather than the battered, depressed person that I can easilly become on my own.

I've been pretty bad of late, self harming and wishing I could just switch off and not wake up for a year or so. I also have been trying to contend with the morbid fascination with watching my own blood dripping off me and failing rather badly, it has to be said. I had to take a couple of trips to the doctor as well as making a few phone calls to my shrink just to try and stay sane for five minutes at a time. Sadly it wasn't always successful... Why is it I hit my worst patches on a weekend when the doctors is shut and the shrinks is too?

Ah well... I'll work on it...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Moving on...

Things have moved on a bit. I've been diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as the depression, caused by the domestic violence. It explains why I've been having anxiety and panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks, as well as the bouts of insomnia and agoraphobia. It all comes down to the final addmitting to myself that I was living with a violent bully who could possibly kill me the next time he lost his temper.

I'm still trying to move on from the past and the damage that has been done to me mentally. I still self-harm when I get really bad, trying to shift the pain from inside to out, although recently the stuff I've been doing has ceased to hurt. Most of what I've done recently is in response to a morbid fascination with wanting to see my own blood flow. I have to have psychiatric treatment for the damage that's been done, but unfortunately the waiting list is three months or thereabouts, so it's damage limitation till then.

I know I've scared people with things I've said while in a self-destructive phase, and to be honest, I even scare myself sometimes. I can't understand why I get so bad so quickly, one minute reading a book, the next contemplating how far I have to dig to find a vein... I plan to go to my mental health clinic tomorrow to see if there's any answers or at least something I can do to keep from killing myself by accident. I don't particularly have any desire to kill myself, even when I'm completely in my dark places, but I do want to hurt myself, to bleed, to take tablets to make me sleep and find oblivion to escape the blackness. I'm very afraid that one day I might take too many tablets while not thinking about it, cut myself too deeply and bleed to death or even just end up with blood poisoning from whatever I have used to cut myself causing a massive infection. As it is I have sore hands which I need to get checked out by the doc. The scissors I used to cut chunks out my hand were probably not the most sterile things, and I scratched all the skin off my other hand because I had some sort of heat rash that was driving me nuts...

The Bear reckons I'm better than I was to start with, but it's been a long, slow process to get to "a little better" as he says. I'm not a lot better or nearly recovered, not by a long way, but it's a step in the right direction. I have even stopped craving the presence of Paul, although there are still occasions when I think of him. I had a burst of trying to contact him to sort out stuff and getting my possessions back from the house, but he was incredibly rude. I think he's changed his mobile number too, not that I'm that bothered any more.

I do get lonely sometimes, and sometimes I crave the company of another person in my house and in my life. The Bear comes round when he can, but sometimes after he's gone or during the day when he's working, I just have this wish to have someone here to talk to. I had mum here for a week, and it was fantastic just having someone around all the time, mind you, I don't know if I could do it on a permanent basis, especially at the moment because of my current problems. It did give me the incentive to fight through some of the worst bits with her in the house so I didn't upset her too much. I don't like upsetting my parents, but I still had a bad day while she was here and ended up sobbing on her shoulder for a while. It was nice to be back to being a "child" instead of having to be a responsible adult.

Ah well, time to go again. I shall be back again whenever... Don't wait up...