Another step taken...
Well, today was very productive. The Bear and I went into the city centre and he took me to the courts to have my affidavit signed. The affidavit is to say that everything in my divorce submission is true and accurate, and to add one small amendment that his solicitors have insisted upon. This, along with my recent bank statements is now in the hands of my solicitor.
I now play the waiting game while my solicitor sorts the paperwork then applies to the courts for Special Procedures to get my decree nisi. The bank statements were so financial details can be exchanged as well so the settlement can be worked on. An application to the courts for the financial side of things will be made at the same time as the divorce submission. Hopefully it will mean things will start getting sorted fairly soon.
I did feel a slight case of the jitters when getting everything signed and sworn, because it feels like the last act of giving up on a marriage that I wanted to work, and one that I put a lot into. It is now 9 years and a month or so since we met, and for 7 of those years I put up with a lot. I did my best to ignore the little incidences of found-out-lies and to move on, but it was hard. It still is hard for me, because while part of me wants nothing more to do with him, there is still a small part that does still care. I wish there wasn't, because it would make things so much easier.
My depression would be easier to treat if I could hate him. My PTSD wouldn't be so severe if I could really see him completely as the monster he became. My dreams wouldn't turn into nightmares if I could just forget all about him and move on.
I can't.
I can't even contemplate sharing my house with anyone on a permanent basis ever again. I wouldn't trust anyone not to turn into another monster. I don't function well in crowds. I have difficulty trusting new people I meet. I have trouble even socialising with the Bear sometimes because I want to switch off and just be on my own. It's horrible for my Bear to have to be on the receiving end of my insecurities and mental illnesses because he is such a patient and understanding chap. It makes me feel guilty that I cannot be completely at ease with him all the time.
Well, we shall see how things progress once the divorce is out of the way.
In other news, while in the city, we went to the rag market. I now have material for a skirt and top that I have to make for a customer. I also have steel boning to re-do another top of hers that has really flimsy boning in and it won't stay put. I managed to get some hessian for corset lining too, as a lot of period corsets used hessian instead of canvas for stiffening. The Bear got some material for britches for his 17th century costume and I browsed possibles for a dress for me for next season. I also managed to pick up a lovely velvet remnant which should make a nice 17th century corset bodice. The Bear will be repaid once I have the first garment made and paid for.
I'm busy in a slow way. I am not churning out lots and lots of clothes and raking in the cash. I have so far managed to earn 45 quid for some alterations done, and that's over the last 6 months. Hardly call to order my personalised Bentley yet! I do have a few jobs pending though, and I should be able to keep busy over the winter. I have three dresses to make before Christmas and have been asked to make the soldiers' coats for the new 17th century regimental kit for our regiment. They supply the material and I just make it up. Simple really, but not a huge earner yet again. I have a couple more enquiries pending, so we shall see how it goes.
The slow pace of the work is actually quite suitable for me, since some days I know I can't go near the machine lest I make 16 million major fuck-ups in the first hour and spend the rest of the day unpicking things. Having such a long lead time on garments means I can go at my own pace to a certain extent and make sure I get everything done right. I can still do a decent turnaround if I need to: I know that, as most things will only take a day's worth of work to do, so if I say a week, I can get away with an hour or so a day working on it.
Ah well, I was going to bed an hour ago because of a stinky headache. I was hoping the painkillers I took would have kicked in by now, but brufen really aren't cutting it today. I may have to rummage and see if there is anything else in the house that might mean I can sleep tonight without lying awake wishing my headache would sod off...
I now play the waiting game while my solicitor sorts the paperwork then applies to the courts for Special Procedures to get my decree nisi. The bank statements were so financial details can be exchanged as well so the settlement can be worked on. An application to the courts for the financial side of things will be made at the same time as the divorce submission. Hopefully it will mean things will start getting sorted fairly soon.
I did feel a slight case of the jitters when getting everything signed and sworn, because it feels like the last act of giving up on a marriage that I wanted to work, and one that I put a lot into. It is now 9 years and a month or so since we met, and for 7 of those years I put up with a lot. I did my best to ignore the little incidences of found-out-lies and to move on, but it was hard. It still is hard for me, because while part of me wants nothing more to do with him, there is still a small part that does still care. I wish there wasn't, because it would make things so much easier.
My depression would be easier to treat if I could hate him. My PTSD wouldn't be so severe if I could really see him completely as the monster he became. My dreams wouldn't turn into nightmares if I could just forget all about him and move on.
I can't.
I can't even contemplate sharing my house with anyone on a permanent basis ever again. I wouldn't trust anyone not to turn into another monster. I don't function well in crowds. I have difficulty trusting new people I meet. I have trouble even socialising with the Bear sometimes because I want to switch off and just be on my own. It's horrible for my Bear to have to be on the receiving end of my insecurities and mental illnesses because he is such a patient and understanding chap. It makes me feel guilty that I cannot be completely at ease with him all the time.
Well, we shall see how things progress once the divorce is out of the way.
In other news, while in the city, we went to the rag market. I now have material for a skirt and top that I have to make for a customer. I also have steel boning to re-do another top of hers that has really flimsy boning in and it won't stay put. I managed to get some hessian for corset lining too, as a lot of period corsets used hessian instead of canvas for stiffening. The Bear got some material for britches for his 17th century costume and I browsed possibles for a dress for me for next season. I also managed to pick up a lovely velvet remnant which should make a nice 17th century corset bodice. The Bear will be repaid once I have the first garment made and paid for.
I'm busy in a slow way. I am not churning out lots and lots of clothes and raking in the cash. I have so far managed to earn 45 quid for some alterations done, and that's over the last 6 months. Hardly call to order my personalised Bentley yet! I do have a few jobs pending though, and I should be able to keep busy over the winter. I have three dresses to make before Christmas and have been asked to make the soldiers' coats for the new 17th century regimental kit for our regiment. They supply the material and I just make it up. Simple really, but not a huge earner yet again. I have a couple more enquiries pending, so we shall see how it goes.
The slow pace of the work is actually quite suitable for me, since some days I know I can't go near the machine lest I make 16 million major fuck-ups in the first hour and spend the rest of the day unpicking things. Having such a long lead time on garments means I can go at my own pace to a certain extent and make sure I get everything done right. I can still do a decent turnaround if I need to: I know that, as most things will only take a day's worth of work to do, so if I say a week, I can get away with an hour or so a day working on it.
Ah well, I was going to bed an hour ago because of a stinky headache. I was hoping the painkillers I took would have kicked in by now, but brufen really aren't cutting it today. I may have to rummage and see if there is anything else in the house that might mean I can sleep tonight without lying awake wishing my headache would sod off...
posted by Me at 9:33 pm
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