Something bugging me...
There's something niggling away at me right now, and it's becoming bothersome, so time to offload and revel in a little catharsis by writing it down. Maybe it won't bother me so much if I do this.
First of all, let me set the scene, get it all straight.
It all started about 6 years ago when I met himself. Life was good, and yes, I did have a spot of bother with my ex who was... well, we weren't compatible, let's put it that way. All the doors in my old house had to be replaced because of holes etc. Let's leave it at that.
So, along comes himself and we hit it off almost immediately. Himself rescued me from a situation with the ex where ex was doing his damndest to keep the binman busy making interesting rubbish out of bits of my furniture. Within three weeks, he proposed (over the phone, I was at work, no it wasn't that romantic a proposal as they go, but meh...) and just over a year later we got married. Small wedding, nothing too fancy, friends and family with unusual wedding cars.
A year or so later, I find that he's been talking to some bird in America and saying things that frankly I would rather he wasn't saying to be honest, and it all reaches a bit of a crux. I got suspicious when he started hiding his messages on his computer, clicking to other screens to cover any conversations and went looking and found out what had been going on. It got sorted, but it's still a little bothersome and comes back to haunt every so often. You know what I mean, that whole "Done it once" thing, although I know it was a long time ago.
Then there was another occasion where he was again caught in a situation that I wasn't happy with. I won't go into details, but it was similar, although closer to home. I think that was about the closest point I came to seriously giving up on everything and just retreating into myself. I felt blank, numb, empty and it took a lot to get over it. Not because of what happened, but because I was lied to about it, and then found the lie.
I can sort of understand both of these situations. After the second one, we managed to sit down and talk about things.
After all that, things seemed to be pootling along as they always did, the occasional hiccup along the way with arguments, shouting matches and so on, but mostly just going through life with not much really happening and unfortunately not a lot of communication. He was at work, I was asleep. He was asleep, I was awake and doing stuff. He was too tired, too busy, not in the mood for talking, and sometimes the same could be said of me. The talk never really happened. It still hasn't happened.
Anyway, I digress.
The thing that's niggling me right now is the fact that it feels like there are currently three people in this relationship. Me, him and her. I won't give her a name, because that would be unfair. Old friends. Old lovers in fact. I thought they had been talking for maybe a year from the shortage of coments I got, but recently I found out they've been talking for four years.
To start with, I didn't want to hear about her. Well, you don't really when someone like that crops up in a marriage that's already had a little more stress on it than necessary. I hung up on him once when I was over visiting friends and my godson and phoned him to find him sat in a pub with her. I was livid. Not even a "by the way..." from him to say that he was going there.
In the spirit of trying to get along, trying to put the past where it belongs and generally just trying to move on, I took everything at face value. Just friends. Just someone for her to talk to. Just someone from his past for him to catch up with. All sounds really nice and amiable till you add in the coincidence that she was having trouble with her ex... That's where I came a little unglued when I first found out they were talking.
So, I try to get along. See previous blog entries for details. She became part of the circle of our friends, and not just someone on his side of things, not just the shadowy figure lurking in the back of my mind. Now I feel like my trust is being abused: conversations get hidden and things get said that I have seen that I really don't agree with on any level. It's passed off as a "joke" but I fail to see the funny side of it. Perhaps my humour is lacking, but I really can't see how any wife would find that sort of thing going on with an ex from their husband's past funny.
I have been branded as "suspicious" and the implication is that I am egocentric because I think I'm the topic of conversation. (Actually I don't think that. I think that sex at least one of the topics of conversation, and sex that includes himself and is exclusive of my company.) Perhaps the person calling me these things is failing to see things from the other side of the fence. I'll make it plain: I dislike being excluded deliberately by conversations being all "secret squirrel" and having MY husband talking filth (from bits I've seen), and having that conversation reciprocated, to someone I do not know well enough to trust. I have to take everyone else's feelings into consderation when I speak or act, but the same concession doesn't seem to apply when it goes the other way. I have to blindly lay my trust in someone who I don't know, and have no idea how serious these conversations between them are. I have to be trusting when I have no grounds to be so.
OK, fine, she once told me that he wasn't her type, but once again, that is something I have to take on trust. Do I believe that? Right now, actually I don't, because everything else going on belies those very words.
So, it's bugging me. He wants to talk, but when given the opportunity, he doesn't. I want to talk, but he's too tired/busy/whatever to talk when the offer is presented. We don't talk till it gets to a point where whatever niggle explodes into an argument, one that could have been resolved by talking. He can talk to her though. Plenty of time to talk to her when he wants to.
Can anyone else see why I have a problem with the situation as it stands, or am I really hormonal, egocentric, suspicious and unfit to talk to on any level other than sarcasm or just plain ignoring? I'm tired of things as they stand and want some sort of resolution, but while no one is talking, nothing gets resolved.
For the record, I could easily contact her on messenger to talk, but she mostly has a busy icon up, and I don't disturb people if they have an away/busy/whatever message showing. That would just be rude.
First of all, let me set the scene, get it all straight.
It all started about 6 years ago when I met himself. Life was good, and yes, I did have a spot of bother with my ex who was... well, we weren't compatible, let's put it that way. All the doors in my old house had to be replaced because of holes etc. Let's leave it at that.
So, along comes himself and we hit it off almost immediately. Himself rescued me from a situation with the ex where ex was doing his damndest to keep the binman busy making interesting rubbish out of bits of my furniture. Within three weeks, he proposed (over the phone, I was at work, no it wasn't that romantic a proposal as they go, but meh...) and just over a year later we got married. Small wedding, nothing too fancy, friends and family with unusual wedding cars.
A year or so later, I find that he's been talking to some bird in America and saying things that frankly I would rather he wasn't saying to be honest, and it all reaches a bit of a crux. I got suspicious when he started hiding his messages on his computer, clicking to other screens to cover any conversations and went looking and found out what had been going on. It got sorted, but it's still a little bothersome and comes back to haunt every so often. You know what I mean, that whole "Done it once" thing, although I know it was a long time ago.
Then there was another occasion where he was again caught in a situation that I wasn't happy with. I won't go into details, but it was similar, although closer to home. I think that was about the closest point I came to seriously giving up on everything and just retreating into myself. I felt blank, numb, empty and it took a lot to get over it. Not because of what happened, but because I was lied to about it, and then found the lie.
I can sort of understand both of these situations. After the second one, we managed to sit down and talk about things.
After all that, things seemed to be pootling along as they always did, the occasional hiccup along the way with arguments, shouting matches and so on, but mostly just going through life with not much really happening and unfortunately not a lot of communication. He was at work, I was asleep. He was asleep, I was awake and doing stuff. He was too tired, too busy, not in the mood for talking, and sometimes the same could be said of me. The talk never really happened. It still hasn't happened.
Anyway, I digress.
The thing that's niggling me right now is the fact that it feels like there are currently three people in this relationship. Me, him and her. I won't give her a name, because that would be unfair. Old friends. Old lovers in fact. I thought they had been talking for maybe a year from the shortage of coments I got, but recently I found out they've been talking for four years.
To start with, I didn't want to hear about her. Well, you don't really when someone like that crops up in a marriage that's already had a little more stress on it than necessary. I hung up on him once when I was over visiting friends and my godson and phoned him to find him sat in a pub with her. I was livid. Not even a "by the way..." from him to say that he was going there.
In the spirit of trying to get along, trying to put the past where it belongs and generally just trying to move on, I took everything at face value. Just friends. Just someone for her to talk to. Just someone from his past for him to catch up with. All sounds really nice and amiable till you add in the coincidence that she was having trouble with her ex... That's where I came a little unglued when I first found out they were talking.
So, I try to get along. See previous blog entries for details. She became part of the circle of our friends, and not just someone on his side of things, not just the shadowy figure lurking in the back of my mind. Now I feel like my trust is being abused: conversations get hidden and things get said that I have seen that I really don't agree with on any level. It's passed off as a "joke" but I fail to see the funny side of it. Perhaps my humour is lacking, but I really can't see how any wife would find that sort of thing going on with an ex from their husband's past funny.
I have been branded as "suspicious" and the implication is that I am egocentric because I think I'm the topic of conversation. (Actually I don't think that. I think that sex at least one of the topics of conversation, and sex that includes himself and is exclusive of my company.) Perhaps the person calling me these things is failing to see things from the other side of the fence. I'll make it plain: I dislike being excluded deliberately by conversations being all "secret squirrel" and having MY husband talking filth (from bits I've seen), and having that conversation reciprocated, to someone I do not know well enough to trust. I have to take everyone else's feelings into consderation when I speak or act, but the same concession doesn't seem to apply when it goes the other way. I have to blindly lay my trust in someone who I don't know, and have no idea how serious these conversations between them are. I have to be trusting when I have no grounds to be so.
OK, fine, she once told me that he wasn't her type, but once again, that is something I have to take on trust. Do I believe that? Right now, actually I don't, because everything else going on belies those very words.
So, it's bugging me. He wants to talk, but when given the opportunity, he doesn't. I want to talk, but he's too tired/busy/whatever to talk when the offer is presented. We don't talk till it gets to a point where whatever niggle explodes into an argument, one that could have been resolved by talking. He can talk to her though. Plenty of time to talk to her when he wants to.
Can anyone else see why I have a problem with the situation as it stands, or am I really hormonal, egocentric, suspicious and unfit to talk to on any level other than sarcasm or just plain ignoring? I'm tired of things as they stand and want some sort of resolution, but while no one is talking, nothing gets resolved.
For the record, I could easily contact her on messenger to talk, but she mostly has a busy icon up, and I don't disturb people if they have an away/busy/whatever message showing. That would just be rude.
posted by Me at 8:17 pm
2 Comments:
Would just like to say thank you very much I feel a lot better now. I'm sure you will find out exactly how happy I am. When you wake up.
I'm always shocked when people who have a history of cheating (or a solid toe-the-line of such) are so offended when situations occur in which they may be accused of it again.
You'd think they'd be bending over backwards to reassure the other that it is not what is happening. Cracking unsuitable jokes, yelling about the lack of privacy....those are not the actions of someone who has the best interests of a relationship in mind.
Frankly, I'm just amused that people who have already lost the right to privacy with the first few offences seem to feel they have a right to it in the future.
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