Every Day The Same Again

Well, things change and some things stay the same. At the moment my life has hit neutral, and I feel like that guy in the film "Groundhog Day", just repeating the same things over and over. Being in a rut mentally as well as physically gets a little dangerous... I'll not elaborate because everyone will just tell me off.

Suffice to say the local Mental Health Team are doing sterling work keeping me on the planet. My "dearly beloved" husband (yep, STILL bloody married to him) is being as much use as a chocolate fireguard in the middle of Africa. My poor Bear is having a tough time trying to cope with work, family, a friend of his needing help with her decorating (she's 18 and the council moved her into a flat that a dog wouldn't call home) as well as my problems and near breakdowns.

No, I'm not well. New medication might help, but I'm now considered to be "at risk". Thanks Paul. Really. You've been such a help... (That was sarcasm by the way Mr B, and once again, when you point out that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, I shall once again remind you that I really do have to play down to my audience, ie you, Mr B)

Life sucks. I'm considering alternatives. Suggestions welcome (although my husband and his cronies can shut the fuck up and go back to their kennels. I've had enough now. Just accept that you've won and move on to destroy someone else's life).

Another grey day...

It's been yet another of those days. I had a bad spell earlier when all I wanted to do was go home- home in this case being Andover. The irratonal side of me just wishes all of the last 18 months was a bad dream, and the rational side of me knows it isn't and knows I am better of where I am now. Better off in the not-getting-beaten-by-my-husband sense of the word. I'm still skint.

I commented on my facebook earlier that I'm beginning to wonder whether Paul actually wants to get divorced. He's not responded to anything the solicitor has sent him, and it's getting beyond a joke now. I would dearly love to phone or text him and ask if he's changed his mind about the marriage, but I don't feel like wasting any more phone credit trying to talk to him.

He just doesn't want to pay me what the lawyers will tell him he has to when the divorce happens. He's already told me he doesn't want to lose the house, but to be honest, the longer he carries on, the more it will cost in maintenance as well as all the rest of it that I'm entitled to. He had the affrontery to ask me ages ago if, in exchange for him dropping his financial claim against me, I would do the same... Not happening...

I'm going to be old by the time I get rid of him. Mind you, on the good side of that, the house prices will have risen a lot higher and I'm entitled to half the equity...

Someone tell Paul that I'm waiting for him to remove his finger from whichever orifice he currently has it stuffed in and get on with it. The papers were sent out over ten weeks ago. If we are getting a divorce, get on with it. If not, how about some cash to pay my rent and bills every month, since I'm still married to him and therefore still technically his dependant, especially since he's made me too ill to work and support myself...

Anyone want to buy a house, LandRover Discovery, caravan, military vehicle and a pushbike? I know someone who is probably going to have to sell all of his soon...

Why life sucks...

Just when I think things are improving, they go downhill again.

I wrote the previous post on paper a week ago, writing and rewriting bits so that it would be a sensible, calm, informative letter. I decided to put it here to show there is nothing to hide, that there is no reason for me to be snide, nasty or bitchy. I wrote it because if I didn't, I would feel like I had let Paul get away with what he did to me and if he did it to someone else, I would feel an enormous sense of guilt because I had sat back and said nothing. Doing that would feel to me like a tacit approval of what he did in the past and condoning him doing it again to someone else.

I can't begin to explain how it feels inside to have to cope with everything, try to get over it and still have the future to face. From a mental health standpoint, I'm not at all well, and that is taking its toll on my physical health too.

I don't know any of the answers. I don't know how to get to the other side of this and still be a human being. A lot of the time all I want is silence, but inside my head is just a jumble of thoughts and feelings, each one screaming at me. I can't explain it any better.

There are things I want that I can't have. I can't have them because they don't exist any more. I want my life back, but that would mean having Paul back, and I won't go back to the way he was. I know how he is being, and it makes me hurt like hell to know the man I fell in love with is showing that face again.

He doesn't speak to me any more. He hasn't for some time. I know he doesn't care, but accepting the knowledge is what tears me up.

I can't speak to certain people now. I can't give my address to anyone because of irrational fears of him coming here. Part of me wants him to show up and apologise for everything, to show some remorse for what he has done, and for what his actions (and inactions) are still doing to me. The other part wants never to see him again.

I don't know how much more I can take. I phone helplines and speak to people who try and help. I speak to my shrink. I've been to hospital and handed myself in before doing something I shouldn't and I've been in hospital after not stopping myself in time.

Right now I want to hide in a corner and cry. I've stirred up the emotions again and it's not healthy. I want to go home, yet I know that the home I want to go to is the one I shared with the husband I loved, and that no longer exists.

When the person you love most in the world, the one you would walk through fire for, the one you would give up everything to be with and be prepared to do anything for no longer cares, then what is there left in this life but a lot of pain that shreds my soul.

I love my Bear, but it's different... With every partner I have had, the measure of my affection is based on them compared to my dad, who is the best dad in the world and means the earth to me. Would I save my partner or my dad if I could only save one from drowning? The only person in my life ever to have come before my dad is Paul. Even the Bear comes second.

Perhaps knowing that explains why I'm such a mess...

Dear Michelle...

I am writing to inform you of some things you should know and would ask you please to read this with an open mind. I am not here to split your relationship up, nor am I writing to be mean or nasty. I am writing to say to you what I wish someone had told me a long time ago.

Your current partner, Paul, is my husband, although, as you know, we are separated and going through a divorce. I am not trying to get him back as I have no wish to go through everything again. I freely admit that I still love him, however I will not subject myself to his abuse, belittling, abuse or violence again. I left to get away from the violence he had been inflicting on me for some years and was given the courage to leave in November 2007.

I'm not going to go into details here. The whole truth can be found by reading my blog entries from November 07 onwards. I am writing this in the hope of preventing your relatiopnship with Paul going the same way as I wouldn't wish the problems I had and am still having on anyone else.

I sincerely hope he treats you better than he did me. At first he was wonderful- kind, talkative, generous, helpful, the sort of man who would move heaven and earth for me if I asked him to- everything I could possibly have wanted in a man. As time went on he became the violent bully I finally ran away from. I hope to God you never see that side of him and that he stays the caring, considerate person you probably have as your partner now.

I thought long and hard before writing this, knowing how it could be received, but I hope that you will read and understand that I would feel an immense guilt if he ever raised a hand to you or yours, knowing that I could have said something to let you know how he can be. Prevention is better than cure, as they say.

If you want to talk, you can contact me the way I will contact you to send this.

Kind regards

M