Why life sucks...

Just when I think things are improving, they go downhill again.

I wrote the previous post on paper a week ago, writing and rewriting bits so that it would be a sensible, calm, informative letter. I decided to put it here to show there is nothing to hide, that there is no reason for me to be snide, nasty or bitchy. I wrote it because if I didn't, I would feel like I had let Paul get away with what he did to me and if he did it to someone else, I would feel an enormous sense of guilt because I had sat back and said nothing. Doing that would feel to me like a tacit approval of what he did in the past and condoning him doing it again to someone else.

I can't begin to explain how it feels inside to have to cope with everything, try to get over it and still have the future to face. From a mental health standpoint, I'm not at all well, and that is taking its toll on my physical health too.

I don't know any of the answers. I don't know how to get to the other side of this and still be a human being. A lot of the time all I want is silence, but inside my head is just a jumble of thoughts and feelings, each one screaming at me. I can't explain it any better.

There are things I want that I can't have. I can't have them because they don't exist any more. I want my life back, but that would mean having Paul back, and I won't go back to the way he was. I know how he is being, and it makes me hurt like hell to know the man I fell in love with is showing that face again.

He doesn't speak to me any more. He hasn't for some time. I know he doesn't care, but accepting the knowledge is what tears me up.

I can't speak to certain people now. I can't give my address to anyone because of irrational fears of him coming here. Part of me wants him to show up and apologise for everything, to show some remorse for what he has done, and for what his actions (and inactions) are still doing to me. The other part wants never to see him again.

I don't know how much more I can take. I phone helplines and speak to people who try and help. I speak to my shrink. I've been to hospital and handed myself in before doing something I shouldn't and I've been in hospital after not stopping myself in time.

Right now I want to hide in a corner and cry. I've stirred up the emotions again and it's not healthy. I want to go home, yet I know that the home I want to go to is the one I shared with the husband I loved, and that no longer exists.

When the person you love most in the world, the one you would walk through fire for, the one you would give up everything to be with and be prepared to do anything for no longer cares, then what is there left in this life but a lot of pain that shreds my soul.

I love my Bear, but it's different... With every partner I have had, the measure of my affection is based on them compared to my dad, who is the best dad in the world and means the earth to me. Would I save my partner or my dad if I could only save one from drowning? The only person in my life ever to have come before my dad is Paul. Even the Bear comes second.

Perhaps knowing that explains why I'm such a mess...