Moving on...

Things have moved on a bit. I've been diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as the depression, caused by the domestic violence. It explains why I've been having anxiety and panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks, as well as the bouts of insomnia and agoraphobia. It all comes down to the final addmitting to myself that I was living with a violent bully who could possibly kill me the next time he lost his temper.

I'm still trying to move on from the past and the damage that has been done to me mentally. I still self-harm when I get really bad, trying to shift the pain from inside to out, although recently the stuff I've been doing has ceased to hurt. Most of what I've done recently is in response to a morbid fascination with wanting to see my own blood flow. I have to have psychiatric treatment for the damage that's been done, but unfortunately the waiting list is three months or thereabouts, so it's damage limitation till then.

I know I've scared people with things I've said while in a self-destructive phase, and to be honest, I even scare myself sometimes. I can't understand why I get so bad so quickly, one minute reading a book, the next contemplating how far I have to dig to find a vein... I plan to go to my mental health clinic tomorrow to see if there's any answers or at least something I can do to keep from killing myself by accident. I don't particularly have any desire to kill myself, even when I'm completely in my dark places, but I do want to hurt myself, to bleed, to take tablets to make me sleep and find oblivion to escape the blackness. I'm very afraid that one day I might take too many tablets while not thinking about it, cut myself too deeply and bleed to death or even just end up with blood poisoning from whatever I have used to cut myself causing a massive infection. As it is I have sore hands which I need to get checked out by the doc. The scissors I used to cut chunks out my hand were probably not the most sterile things, and I scratched all the skin off my other hand because I had some sort of heat rash that was driving me nuts...

The Bear reckons I'm better than I was to start with, but it's been a long, slow process to get to "a little better" as he says. I'm not a lot better or nearly recovered, not by a long way, but it's a step in the right direction. I have even stopped craving the presence of Paul, although there are still occasions when I think of him. I had a burst of trying to contact him to sort out stuff and getting my possessions back from the house, but he was incredibly rude. I think he's changed his mobile number too, not that I'm that bothered any more.

I do get lonely sometimes, and sometimes I crave the company of another person in my house and in my life. The Bear comes round when he can, but sometimes after he's gone or during the day when he's working, I just have this wish to have someone here to talk to. I had mum here for a week, and it was fantastic just having someone around all the time, mind you, I don't know if I could do it on a permanent basis, especially at the moment because of my current problems. It did give me the incentive to fight through some of the worst bits with her in the house so I didn't upset her too much. I don't like upsetting my parents, but I still had a bad day while she was here and ended up sobbing on her shoulder for a while. It was nice to be back to being a "child" instead of having to be a responsible adult.

Ah well, time to go again. I shall be back again whenever... Don't wait up...