Stuff...
Life gets more complicated every time I open my eyes. Things never seem to get any clearer, and the water gets muddier. Thoughts slip out my mind as soon as they appear, leaving trails of doubt and unanswered questions.
I don't know what I want any more, other than one thing. I can't say what that one thing is here. I just know what it is and know it more than likely isn't going to happen.
Everyone has opinions on what I should do and how I should do it. I have no idea which way to turn these days, and life just seems a little too complicated. Things would be easier if I could actually say the words that go through my head and have them come out as a coherent thought process and have others understand it. At the moment though I can't string my thoughts together into an easilly communicable way, so no one really knows what's going on in my head. If you don't know what's going on, there's no way you can make an informed decision on advice to give.
I'm being encouraged to speak to professionals, but I have no idea who to speak to or what to say. I'm having trouble working out what to do for the best now. I'm trying to do stuff and not finding the motivation because there's a big gap somewhere that needs sorting. Who to speak to though? I'd have to explain everything all over again to someone, or have them keep asking questions, like the poor girl at the Samaritans that couldn't keep up with what I was trying to talk through. I hate having to explain everything over and over, but the only people who know what happened are not the professionals trained to deal with people in my situation.
I get bothered by thoughts and questions that I don't have answers for. I can't find the answers on my own, and they're mostly all locked up in someone else's head.
Maybe I'm not being spoken to by certain people because they've been told not to. Maybe they're just not talking. Maybe they don't want to talk. Maybe they are trying to pretend that I don't exist any more. I don't know.
I'm not making much sense here, am I? Oh well... At least I no longer have any tablets round the house. It's probably best, since my last trip to hospital was fairly recent and the food was a bit naff.
I'm not looking for death. All I want sometimes is oblivion. I just don't want to know about things, don't want to be awake and aware and don't want awareness of the shit that is my life at the moment. If I had the choice I'd opt for a coma for a while.
Sadly, it's not going to happen. Even if I could, the problems would still be there when I woke up.
Ah well... Back to the complete mess that is my head... One day it might all become clear, but I'm not holding my breath.
I don't know what I want any more, other than one thing. I can't say what that one thing is here. I just know what it is and know it more than likely isn't going to happen.
Everyone has opinions on what I should do and how I should do it. I have no idea which way to turn these days, and life just seems a little too complicated. Things would be easier if I could actually say the words that go through my head and have them come out as a coherent thought process and have others understand it. At the moment though I can't string my thoughts together into an easilly communicable way, so no one really knows what's going on in my head. If you don't know what's going on, there's no way you can make an informed decision on advice to give.
I'm being encouraged to speak to professionals, but I have no idea who to speak to or what to say. I'm having trouble working out what to do for the best now. I'm trying to do stuff and not finding the motivation because there's a big gap somewhere that needs sorting. Who to speak to though? I'd have to explain everything all over again to someone, or have them keep asking questions, like the poor girl at the Samaritans that couldn't keep up with what I was trying to talk through. I hate having to explain everything over and over, but the only people who know what happened are not the professionals trained to deal with people in my situation.
I get bothered by thoughts and questions that I don't have answers for. I can't find the answers on my own, and they're mostly all locked up in someone else's head.
Maybe I'm not being spoken to by certain people because they've been told not to. Maybe they're just not talking. Maybe they don't want to talk. Maybe they are trying to pretend that I don't exist any more. I don't know.
I'm not making much sense here, am I? Oh well... At least I no longer have any tablets round the house. It's probably best, since my last trip to hospital was fairly recent and the food was a bit naff.
I'm not looking for death. All I want sometimes is oblivion. I just don't want to know about things, don't want to be awake and aware and don't want awareness of the shit that is my life at the moment. If I had the choice I'd opt for a coma for a while.
Sadly, it's not going to happen. Even if I could, the problems would still be there when I woke up.
Ah well... Back to the complete mess that is my head... One day it might all become clear, but I'm not holding my breath.
posted by Me at 12:32 am
1 Comments:
Mags. I love you. You are right, you make little sense to the people who are not you, but the same can be said about anyone who is internalizing 80% of life.
I know you are not a big fan of "suggestions", per say, but have you tried writing it all down? That way, nothing gets lost in translation when you are forced to go between people. You can let those people know in advance that you have a hard time putting it together, so you can bring along something that you can just read out, or have them read ahead of time (or while you are sitting there).
This may sound a bit ridiculous, but sometimes things can seem a bit less daunting, and more tackleable (it's a word now) if you break down a to-do list. So "clean kitchen" becomes "1. Scrub out sink, 2. Wipe countertops, etc". You can do that with various lists in life that help break down large and complex issues into more manageable tasks.
It may help your brain to become more task-focused, especially if you feel like you are drifting. The added bonus is that when you are dealing with smaller tasks on lists, you get that same sense of accomplishment (which it sounds like you desperately need).
Make a list of Things I Need In My Life. And then start breaking them down. It helped me a lot, so it may help you get a handle on some areas of your life so you can focus on others without feeling so spread out thin.
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