Home again…
Slightly earlier than planned. Well, a lot earlier than planned. I was supposed to be staying in Wales till Tuesday, but it’s Thursday now and I came home yesterday.
I thought I would be all right, staying with two of my best friends in a nice peaceful place, but it seems that I can’t cope very well with being away from home yet. I went on Sunday, and by Tuesday afternoon I had to phone the Emergency Duty Team of my mental health clinic. That at least gave me a coping mechanism to stop me doing anything really drastic.
I was doing OK till we went to a market town and I managed to get separated from my friends. I started getting quite anxious about being on my own, and then started feeling very hemmed in by all the other people there. I managed to get back to my friends, but was still not feeling very happy about being in a crowd. I stuck to the clearer bits while they mooched the stalls. The bit that really made me decide to phone someone was when we were coming home and a hearse passed us going the other way. My thought was that it would be nice to be the one in the box, not to have to face anything any more, to have everything stop: no more painful memories or feelings that hurt and confuse me, just an end to everything.
I spoke to the EDT for some time and that calmed me enough to stop me wanting to be the one in the box, but I still wasn’t doing very well. I thought I could cope with it and get through the mess in my head, but I couldn’t. I spoke to my friend at length about why I was feeling the way I was, talking about Paul and my feelings for him that were confusing me. She was very understanding about it all and let me ramble on, asking a few questions here and there to clarify some things, but generally sitting being a sympathetic ear. She’s not happy with Paul after I finally told her everything that had gone on, but she understands my feelings for him, and the fact that I care.
I spoke to my friend for a long time, trying to explain why I was anxious, upset and generally feeling very uneasy and in mental pain. I thought talking with her would help, but I think it made it a little worse, just because I was having to admit all of these things to someone who knows me very well. She asked what I wanted to do about it all, and my only response was that I felt like digging my nails into my elbow and peeling the skin off my arm… She phoned the local EDT and made me speak to them for a while. The guy there was very helpful and calmed me down by talking about things from an outsiders point of view, although he said if I was feeling in the slightest like I would self-harm or try doing worse, I should hand myself in to the nearest Accident and Emergency. My friends hid my meds too, just in case…
The Bear came and got me yesterday because I wanted to come home. I felt bad having to leave just short of a week early, but my friends understood. Everyone’s been very understanding that I’ve spoken to about this, and it makes me feel worse sometimes that I’m having to put people out so much by them having to cope with me while I’m not rational, or having to come and fetch me because I’m too unstable to be out my house for very long.
I went to my clinic today and spoke to one of the duty nurses there about things, and she’s going to speak to my regular counsellor. Apparently he’s just a Clinical Nurse Specialist… I thought he was a proper doctor type thing, but apparently not. The nurse I spoke to today decided I would probably benefit from speaking to one of their mental health consultants, so that’s going to be set up for me. In the mean time, I just have to do what I can to keep myself from doing silly things, and hand myself in if I feel like I’m going to harm myself in any way, before I do it rather than after the fact. I’ve also been given leaflets to read about sleeping and relaxation to help me through the stressful times as well as a soothing thing, which was described as like putting cream on a cut, but it’s like a soothing thing for the mind.
I do feel a bit frustrated because I’m so good at helping others but can’t do it for myself. I make the wrong decisions when it comes to me, and I get into situations mentally that I shouldn’t. There’s no rational reason for some of the things I think or do, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like wanting to speak to Paul: I phoned and text him too much, and annoyed or upset him, so I’ve had to decide to leave it to him to contact me when he feels he wants to. There are a lot of issues that need to be resolved, but the truth may never be told, because circumstance means that there’s a lot that can’t be said.
All I would really like is for my husband to care. I’ve seen him care for others, and he talked about caring about me, but he mostly left me alone to deal with things. I’m not sure if that’s because he didn’t really care, or because he didn’t know how to deal with the situations. Perhaps some of the things were too close to home, like me not being able to solve my problems the way I can solve other people’s issues. Perhaps too his idea of caring differs from mine. I don’t know.
I suppose it will take time to sort out what’s making me feel like I can’t go on or that I want to hurt myself. There must be a reason behind what I’m doing, and it may not be a terribly logical one, but I’m starting to feel like I’m clutching at straws sometimes. I thought that speaking to Paul might help, but I don’t know if he wanted to talk, or if he was just doing it because he didn’t know how to tell me to get lost.
The only things I am certain of now are that my family loves me, my pets love me, the Bear loves me very much, cares a great deal and wants to help any way he can, and finally, if I do end up doing something really pointless, I want to be buried in the dress I wore when I married Paul. The rest is just confusion. I am going to get help. I’ve been for help. I’ve asked for help and I’ve had lots of people talk to me and offer support. I have to try and carry on, and not have to wear my wedding dress again for quite some time to come.
Final thought for today: Love hurts, but you can’t control who you fall in love with.
Well, that was yesterday and now it’s Friday…
Today has been better. I managed to go down to the newsagents to get milk and to the florists to spoil myself with some oriental lilies. I did it all on my own too, and I’ve been sewing this afternoon.
It’s a brighter day, but I feel the storm clouds looming on the horizon. It’s strange that I can sense it coming, but feel powerless to halt the approach. I shall carry on till the storm hits, then try to weather it the best I can. I don’t know when it will happen; I only know that it is coming, like my headaches before a thunderstorm.
The Bear is strictly controlling my medicines. He leaves me two days supply and hates the fact that I cannot be trusted with my own medicines. I don’t even have any asprin in the house in case of headaches. If I get one, I will just have to put up with it. He was advised to take anything sharp out the house, but that’s not possible given that I sew and cook. He reasons that if I want to hurt myself, I will find a way to do it. I’m hoping that if it gets that bad, I will realise it and will hand myself in before doing any damage.
For now though, I have medieval costume to make: a dress for my friend, one for a little girl, a couple of shirts, a pair of braes, two monks habits and a dress for myself. I’m most of the way through my friend’s dress and have the other two dresses cut ready to be sewn. Once they’re done I’ll get on with the rest of it, although I have to source material for the monastic stuff before I can get on with that. One of my friends wants to be a friar, so he can swear and ogle the wenches. I told him to read Nietzsche because he’s overweight, then he could be a deep fat friar… Get it? Oh, never mind…
I know, my jokes aren’t up to much these days. I do my best though…
Thought for today: The past is the father of the present. What happened to us before dictates what we are in the now. We have some small influence over things, but the mind will take us on paths of its own devising to places we may not like, but ultimately have to pass through to journey on into the future.
I thought I would be all right, staying with two of my best friends in a nice peaceful place, but it seems that I can’t cope very well with being away from home yet. I went on Sunday, and by Tuesday afternoon I had to phone the Emergency Duty Team of my mental health clinic. That at least gave me a coping mechanism to stop me doing anything really drastic.
I was doing OK till we went to a market town and I managed to get separated from my friends. I started getting quite anxious about being on my own, and then started feeling very hemmed in by all the other people there. I managed to get back to my friends, but was still not feeling very happy about being in a crowd. I stuck to the clearer bits while they mooched the stalls. The bit that really made me decide to phone someone was when we were coming home and a hearse passed us going the other way. My thought was that it would be nice to be the one in the box, not to have to face anything any more, to have everything stop: no more painful memories or feelings that hurt and confuse me, just an end to everything.
I spoke to the EDT for some time and that calmed me enough to stop me wanting to be the one in the box, but I still wasn’t doing very well. I thought I could cope with it and get through the mess in my head, but I couldn’t. I spoke to my friend at length about why I was feeling the way I was, talking about Paul and my feelings for him that were confusing me. She was very understanding about it all and let me ramble on, asking a few questions here and there to clarify some things, but generally sitting being a sympathetic ear. She’s not happy with Paul after I finally told her everything that had gone on, but she understands my feelings for him, and the fact that I care.
I spoke to my friend for a long time, trying to explain why I was anxious, upset and generally feeling very uneasy and in mental pain. I thought talking with her would help, but I think it made it a little worse, just because I was having to admit all of these things to someone who knows me very well. She asked what I wanted to do about it all, and my only response was that I felt like digging my nails into my elbow and peeling the skin off my arm… She phoned the local EDT and made me speak to them for a while. The guy there was very helpful and calmed me down by talking about things from an outsiders point of view, although he said if I was feeling in the slightest like I would self-harm or try doing worse, I should hand myself in to the nearest Accident and Emergency. My friends hid my meds too, just in case…
The Bear came and got me yesterday because I wanted to come home. I felt bad having to leave just short of a week early, but my friends understood. Everyone’s been very understanding that I’ve spoken to about this, and it makes me feel worse sometimes that I’m having to put people out so much by them having to cope with me while I’m not rational, or having to come and fetch me because I’m too unstable to be out my house for very long.
I went to my clinic today and spoke to one of the duty nurses there about things, and she’s going to speak to my regular counsellor. Apparently he’s just a Clinical Nurse Specialist… I thought he was a proper doctor type thing, but apparently not. The nurse I spoke to today decided I would probably benefit from speaking to one of their mental health consultants, so that’s going to be set up for me. In the mean time, I just have to do what I can to keep myself from doing silly things, and hand myself in if I feel like I’m going to harm myself in any way, before I do it rather than after the fact. I’ve also been given leaflets to read about sleeping and relaxation to help me through the stressful times as well as a soothing thing, which was described as like putting cream on a cut, but it’s like a soothing thing for the mind.
I do feel a bit frustrated because I’m so good at helping others but can’t do it for myself. I make the wrong decisions when it comes to me, and I get into situations mentally that I shouldn’t. There’s no rational reason for some of the things I think or do, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like wanting to speak to Paul: I phoned and text him too much, and annoyed or upset him, so I’ve had to decide to leave it to him to contact me when he feels he wants to. There are a lot of issues that need to be resolved, but the truth may never be told, because circumstance means that there’s a lot that can’t be said.
All I would really like is for my husband to care. I’ve seen him care for others, and he talked about caring about me, but he mostly left me alone to deal with things. I’m not sure if that’s because he didn’t really care, or because he didn’t know how to deal with the situations. Perhaps some of the things were too close to home, like me not being able to solve my problems the way I can solve other people’s issues. Perhaps too his idea of caring differs from mine. I don’t know.
I suppose it will take time to sort out what’s making me feel like I can’t go on or that I want to hurt myself. There must be a reason behind what I’m doing, and it may not be a terribly logical one, but I’m starting to feel like I’m clutching at straws sometimes. I thought that speaking to Paul might help, but I don’t know if he wanted to talk, or if he was just doing it because he didn’t know how to tell me to get lost.
The only things I am certain of now are that my family loves me, my pets love me, the Bear loves me very much, cares a great deal and wants to help any way he can, and finally, if I do end up doing something really pointless, I want to be buried in the dress I wore when I married Paul. The rest is just confusion. I am going to get help. I’ve been for help. I’ve asked for help and I’ve had lots of people talk to me and offer support. I have to try and carry on, and not have to wear my wedding dress again for quite some time to come.
Final thought for today: Love hurts, but you can’t control who you fall in love with.
Well, that was yesterday and now it’s Friday…
Today has been better. I managed to go down to the newsagents to get milk and to the florists to spoil myself with some oriental lilies. I did it all on my own too, and I’ve been sewing this afternoon.
It’s a brighter day, but I feel the storm clouds looming on the horizon. It’s strange that I can sense it coming, but feel powerless to halt the approach. I shall carry on till the storm hits, then try to weather it the best I can. I don’t know when it will happen; I only know that it is coming, like my headaches before a thunderstorm.
The Bear is strictly controlling my medicines. He leaves me two days supply and hates the fact that I cannot be trusted with my own medicines. I don’t even have any asprin in the house in case of headaches. If I get one, I will just have to put up with it. He was advised to take anything sharp out the house, but that’s not possible given that I sew and cook. He reasons that if I want to hurt myself, I will find a way to do it. I’m hoping that if it gets that bad, I will realise it and will hand myself in before doing any damage.
For now though, I have medieval costume to make: a dress for my friend, one for a little girl, a couple of shirts, a pair of braes, two monks habits and a dress for myself. I’m most of the way through my friend’s dress and have the other two dresses cut ready to be sewn. Once they’re done I’ll get on with the rest of it, although I have to source material for the monastic stuff before I can get on with that. One of my friends wants to be a friar, so he can swear and ogle the wenches. I told him to read Nietzsche because he’s overweight, then he could be a deep fat friar… Get it? Oh, never mind…
I know, my jokes aren’t up to much these days. I do my best though…
Thought for today: The past is the father of the present. What happened to us before dictates what we are in the now. We have some small influence over things, but the mind will take us on paths of its own devising to places we may not like, but ultimately have to pass through to journey on into the future.
posted by Me at 12:24 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home