Update

Well, goodness knows when I will get to post this, but for the record, it’s Friday 28th December as I write. It might be a while before I get internet access again, but I felt like writing something at least.

Let me see… What’s been doing? Well, Christmas came and went in a gloriously nondescript fashion. A week ago today I was supposed to move into a flat after much badgering of the local housing people and finally being offered a place to live. Supposed to anyway, but unfortunately it’s not finished yet. I’m currently living in a glorified bed-sit, more glamorously referred to as a studio flat, ground floor in an old Victorian house, which is pretty cold, but definitely warmer than the cottage in the middle of nowhere, furnished with only a wardrobe and single bed. I’m not sure when I will finally get to move into my new flat, but I’ve been assured that this is just a temporary measure. Another week perhaps and I will be in my own place, able to unpack a few things and perhaps retrieve some of the other things I have in various places.

The good news is that I now have a permanent resident companion. Bert is my new companion, and he is a lively three-week old hamster with plenty of energy who loves being out with his new mummy, messing about crawling all over me, trying to throw himself off the edge of the bed when he’s on here with me and off on a big explore, and today was given the gift of a hamster ball, and has been making very good use of it, scurrying around and bumping into the walls and limited furniture. At the moment he is asleep in his wee hamster tank, which will become just a travelling cage for him once I move, as I have plans for a bigger, glass tank for him to run around in and call home when he’s not out and about in his ball. We spent Christmas day together, and he even had a share of my dinner, with a treat of a bit of lettuce. He’s going to be a very fat, spoiled hamster. I can tell already. He’ll be the happiest fat, spoiled hamster around though with a very full and active life, not just stuck in a cage all his short years. His full name is Rameses I AKA Bert… He’s a posh hamster, but don’t tell him that or he’ll be getting funny ideas about getting servants and stuff…

I’ve been getting the odd text and phone call from various people to keep me in the loop of what’s doing, and a couple of visits from one of my friends, but for the most part it’s just me and Bert. I’ve been knitting a fair bit and have completed seven blankets and a baby cardigan in the past few weeks. I’m starting to run short of wool, but at least now I’m not too far from a local charity shop that sells it, so I might manage to get some before I move, as I don’t know where to get it local to my new place. I went and did some essentials shopping today with the normal bread and milk bit, and then did the local charity shops to see if there was anything good there that I’ll need for my new place. Nothing doing yet, but I got a couple of books to read so I have something other than Pride and Prejudice to read. I’ve already been through it twice then dipped in at odd points and re-read several sections just for want of any other books to lose myself in.

I’ve been keeping myself as positive as I can, although that’s sometimes not as easy as it sounds. Some things just drag my memory back to certain points, flashbacks to the aftermath of the violence or things that remind me of what himself did to me and I end up back where I started emotionally. An inadvertent comment, a touch on my neck, some drunken female screaming at her bloke to get off her on their way home… It all drags me back to being strangled, pushed around, the pain when I hit the sofa, trying to get away from him or any the other bad memories associated with it. It’s getting easier with time and repetition to tell people roughly what’s gone on with regards the domestic violence, although I’m not looking forward to having to go over it all in detail when I see the Mental Health Nurse in the next week or so. I’m going to have to phone up and check when my appointment is, because I can’t get over to my forwarding address or my contact address to get my post that’s been sent out at the moment. There’s no point in giving the address here, since it’s so temporary, and there’s not usually anyone at the flats, which I don’t have a key for, so I can’t really collect mail there. I’ll be a lot happier when I have a permanent address and not all the temporary ones here and there all over the place.

Oh, here’s a laugh for you. Himself thinks I’ve been keeping tabs on him via Bear reading his blog. My mate phoned me yesterday and she was telling me she’s been reading what he’s been up to and passed on a couple of bits that I had to laugh at. Apparently the bathroom is nearly painted, which made me smile, since it got re-tiled about two years ago now and has been in a constant state of redecoration ever since. I do wonder what colour it has gone, since the colour it was when I left was the first of two coats it needed in a colour that himself chose. Ah well, at least its finally getting done, although it’s not me keeping tabs on the blog and neither is it Bear. Also it has been assumed that I had Bear keeping me company for Christmas day… He spent his Christmas with his family, as he should, presents with the kids in the morning and a big family dinner then sleeping it off on the sofa, same as most of the rest of the fathers of the country. Who am I to impose on that? I also wouldn’t impose on friends and their families, and as was said before, am too skint to consider going all the way to Scotland to see the parents. I spoke to them on the phone on Christmas day and they were already on the fizzy before lunch, enjoying a really relaxed Christmas and planning to veg out in front of the telly after lunch. I had to laugh though because mum was singing Christmas carols while on her second glass of fizz, and I dread to think whether she was fit for cooking the dinner! It’s only one day, and they were making the most of it, although mum’s jokes after one glass of wine are dire and Bert is now known as my Christmas Hamper… Don’t ask…

Ah well, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep up the typing now. My laptop isn’t very well and I really need a new one, as the power lead is temperamental at best and isn’t charging the battery properly. Hopefully I will be able to get it fixed fairly cheaply, or I’ll be able to get a new one if I scrimp and save a lot. I say new, but I’ll probably get something second hand cheaper, and all I really want it for is doing a bit of writing here and there, so it doesn’t have to be top-notch or anything flash. First priority though is getting essentials for the flat, unless I’m allowed to retrieve some bits and pieces from the house, although I sent a text to ask politely if it would be possible and acceptable to arrange a time to come over and fetch things or have stuff picked up and so far have had no reply despite texting over a week and a half ago.

I’ve realised how independent I’ve become over the last few years with the way I’ve been left to my own devices. I thought it would be really difficult living on my own, having to budget my own bills, sort out my own shopping, feed myself properly and start a new life in a new area. I suppose I should thank him for the amount of inattention I had from him, as it has really prepared me for living a single life. I don’t count myself as attached, despite having Bear, because at the end of the day, he’s not really mine. He belongs to S and his family, not to me. I’m ok with that though, despite thinking I would be more bothered by having to share. I suppose it’s because the original arrangement was to have my marriage, Bear’s marriage and have each other as well, but as it turns out, I have my own life while he still has his wife and family. I don’t really see it as much of a change if I’m being totally honest, since with himself sleeping or being on the computer all the time he was home, I was mostly a single person anyway. If he’d managed to spend his available time with me rather than on his computer, things might have been different, but now we will never know.

I went to the doc last week just to go over my depression and stuff and she’s obviously had my notes from my old doc. She asked about my periods and stuff, and I’m happy to say that I’ve not had any problems with them since leaving home. I even cancelled my hospital appointment, because I was out the area and couldn’t get there and spoke to the doc about it. She decided she wants to see how it goes, because she reckons the majority of the problems were down to stress and wants to monitor how it goes now that I’m out of that situation. So far so good… I’m not having to take an extra ten tablets a day for those problems. I just have to wait to see the Mental Health Nurse now to see what they say about it, although I’ve been talking to the local Women’s Aid to try and get a little peace of mind within myself, and their view is that while I need counselling, so does he, because he does seem to have some issues which are what was made him violent in the first place. I expect he will blame me, but I know it’s been going on a lot longer than our train-wreck of a marriage. Maybe he will come around and get help before waiting to be told that he needs to get help as and when the police knock the door to him. I feel sorry for him in a way, because I don’t think he can see a problem with the way he acted, but under the circumstances, it would probably be advisable for him to volunteer to get help before that help is insisted upon by people with more clout than a disregarded, disrespected, dismissed ex.

It’s now been nearly seven and a half weeks since I walked out, scared and not knowing what to do, where to go or how to move on. So far I have been under three different areas of the Women’s Aid, have had to travel miles to and from council offices trying to get them to understand that I had nowhere to live, spent two weeks looking for a flat to live in after being told that’s what I had to do for a certain scheme, then after those two weeks was told I hadn’t even been accepted onto the scheme. I honestly thought that I would be spending Christmas in a refuge with the way my housing situation was going on. The Job Centre finally processed my claim for benefit too, which only took them six weeks, and managed to put the first hundred quid into my account just as I went over my overdraft limit, so at least I had some cash for Christmas. I’m still waiting for the backdated claim to be paid, which should be within the next few days, so at least I’ll have some cash to start me off in my new home.

After going through all of the above, I now realise how bad the system is for those who don’t know how to get through it. If I hadn’t had bear and my friend looking after me, I would never have made it through the tangled mess of paperwork and numerous hoops they expected me to jump through. With the emotional state I was in as well, walking out of the council offices once because I was convinced they weren’t going to help, there’s no way I could have done any of it without help getting through it. It was very unlikely I would get a council property anyway, because their criteria classed me as “Intentionally Homeless” simply because I’d come to an area I had no connection with other than friends, which made me non-priority. I came here because I don’t have connections here, and it’s an area I don’t think himself would even consider looking for me in, even if he could be bothered. I don’t think he would be bothered in all honesty, but I refuse to take the chance.

I am very fortunate with my friends because of the type of people they are. They’ve all been so good to me, giving me support either by being there for me, driving hundreds of miles to help, or even just keeping in touch via text, although I will apologise for any not replied to, as the credit has run out on my pay-as-you-go phone and I won’t be able to top it up till I get the money I’m expecting in the next few days. It’s nice to know that people do care, as my self-esteem was at such a low ebb. It’s been a shock to find out how much people do think of me and how many people class me as a good friend, not just an acquaintance or part of a “couple-friend” i.e. a spouse or partner of a friend who then becomes a friend by default. To all those friends, I would like to say a big thank you for your support in the last few weeks, and the continued support I know you will give just by being there for me. Party at mine once I’ve finally managed to move in…

Ah well, I best go. Bert is busy running around in his hamster ball as happy as you like, but keeps coming back over to where I’m sat and looking pointedly at me, probably wanting to climb all over me and get in my sleeve and sleep again, same as he did yesterday. Will be back online sometime, just not yet…