Stuff.

Today I went to my first Civil Partnership ceremony. My Sister-in-Law and her other half finally got round to getting "hitched". It was a really lovely day spent with the in-laws and himself, although himself was his usual for the bulk of the time, i.e. no hand-holding, no talking, no acting like a couple... He did have a few occasional slips into the "normal couple" thing of noticing I was there, which rather surprised me, since I'm a bit too used to the non-contact sport that the marriage is.

People seem hell-bent on trying to "fix" me and my train-wreck of a marriage, but it's something I've grown accustomed to. "You shouldn't have to" they say, but my response is that I'm happy... Well, fairly happy anyway. While he doesn't do romance in any big way, it's something I've lived with for a while now, and I'm used to it. We don't do things as a couple, with the exception of Beltring, but hell, even that's more a case of being in the same location, sleeping in the same tent (most of the time) and generally the rest of the time is spent doing our own thing.

Look at it another way for a second. Consider this: I can go out and do my own thing. I can go to the dancing any night I please. I can drop off the planet and go see friends of a weekend with no major planning around spending quality time with himself. I can sit in front of my computer, sewing machine or television with no guilty feelings about not being sat with him, talking to him, doing things with him. He's out at work a lot. He's tired a lot. Plus I try not to plan things when he's home so at least we are in the same location at the same time.

I described it to someone the other day as being like having another cat in the house. I wouldn't part with my cats, despite the fact that they hardly notice I'm here, with the exception of feeding time, they don't demand that I not go out because they're home, they don't mind if I spend hours in my sewing room... Himself is the same, except he's more adept at feeding himself. I don't get "looks" when I go out. Don't get comments about spending time with my friends. I don't have to explain where I'm going, who I'll be with, what we'll be doing. He knows I like spending time with friends to keep myself sane, because it can get a bit lonely sitting here night after night or over weekends while he's out at work.

So tell me where the problem is? I can't actually see one from this angle.

Actually, I lie. There is one thing I have a problem with. The same as I like spending some time with my cats, I would like to spend some time with himself. He's been working a lot lately, so our paths haven't really crossed that much. It would be nice to have some time to ourselves, maybe go out for an evening, or go somewhere and just have a nice time in each other's company. He has a weekend off coming up soon...

Himself however is planning that time to go and see one of his friends. He's arranged to go over, go out, have some fun, set the world to rights, have a laugh... Should I be upset by that? I am, for the record. He knows why. So should the other person, although I'm not going to interfere in a friendship. Especially not that one, because frankly, it's not worth all the hassle it causes on any side of things. I say things out of turn about my thoughts on the subject and it causes silence (more than usual) and resentment on his part. Then I get comments from other quarters. Then it all gets messy from there on in.

I try to encourage him to socialise with my friends. My friends are our friends. We have been invited to a barbecue at one of the girls I go dancing with's house. He's working late shift, but she's said to him to come over after work, since the party will be a late one. I ask him to drop me at the dancing on a Thursday if he's home. I know he won't start dancing any time soon, and I'm not really pressing the issue, except in fun, but it means he gets to meet my friends, to socialise with the people I spend time with on a regular basis.

The same doesn't apply both ways.

His friends are exclusive to him. I am not allowed to intrude on the friendship. This is becoming more obvious as time passes. I've had the comment dropped into conversation about himself being put out because his weekend plans to go somewhere were put off because of something happening with his friend. This was said on the Thursday of the weekend he was apparently supposed to be going out on the Saturday with his friend and staying over. Obviously planned beforehand, but not mentioned till that point. He said it was, but I think I would have noticed, given my feelings on the subject.

I don't work weekends. I'm usually home when he is. If I'm going to go away for the weekend, it's normally when he's working (usually nights) and I'll mention it in advance. I usually ask if it's OK for me to disappear to see my mates for the weekend before making firm plans to do so. I don't make plans, sort it all out then tell him about it just before it happens, unless it's been a spur-of-the-moment thing, and that's usually going over to Wales to see M&M and my godchildren. If there's a plan to go see them and his roster changes, I've asked him to come with me, or I've cancelled unless he insists I go. Simple as that really.

The weekend he is planning on setting the world to rights and being a human being rather than a work-robot happens to be the weekend my parents are coming here, passing through on their way to go on a cruise.

Now can you see my real problem with this arrangement?

He's also planning on doing some electrical work for a friend of his friend.

I had to ask one of our friends to put shelves up in the kitchen for me, because I couldn't see him getting them done any time this side of the next ice age.

Can you see my other problem?

I'll explain: I ask till I'm blue in the face then get someone else to do whatever it is that I need done and can't do myself. Someone else asks, and himself is immediately working out when he can do it, how long it will take, setting a date to go do whatever it is... He's worked out that he can go over, go out on the Friday night, have fun, enjoy himself, chat, set the world to rights, solve all his friend's problems, be there as a sounding board for their problems, start sorting out the work needing done on the Saturday, come back here on the Saturday evening, probably spend some quality time with his computer while I'm downstairs with the parents, then once they're out the way on the Sunday, it's back to helping out a friend of a friend.

I'm not saying not to do it. It's all arranged, and I'm not asking him to break an arrangement he's made. I'm not telling him he's not allowed to do it. I'm saying he should start looking a little closer to home for someone who needs that shoulder to lean on, to talk to about the future which is as yet uncertain, to have a good bitch about the world in general, to talk over the fears and doubts about a major op... To be the friend he signed up to be just over 6 years ago.

I was reminded of that day today. I nearly cried in the register office, simply because I knew that my sister in law was getting a better deal than the one I signed up to. They probably don't live in a perfect relationship, but it's definitely not the "train-wreck" I describe mine as.

Other people look in and see snippets of our life. Some hear my side of things, in which I am as fair as I can be. I point out to those that comment that himself works a lot. We don't get a lot of time to spend together and he's usually pretty tired. Anyone would be after working for six straight weeks with an average of 50 to 60 hours in every week. I defend what he does up to a point. Other people see his side of things. I don't know what he tells them, but while I refer to himself as "himself", I am referred to as "she who must be obeyed". "Himself" is a very Scottish colloqual way of talking about your other half, and it's a nice reference. It goes along with other similar greetings like "How's yourself?" or "How's himself?" A much easier way of talking about someone if you are politely refraining from mentioning a name in a blog, and a lot more personal, to me at least, than just an initial, as well as being a normal thing to say for me, being Scottish as I am. "SWMBO" feels a lot more derogatory, don't you think? Plus I can't remember the last time I gave any orders to himself about anything. I've asked him to do stuff, suggested that he could perhaps do something houseworkish when he says he's got nothing to do, but I don't order him to do anything. I don't give him a list of things to be done and a deadline in which to do them.

Perhaps I should...

Perhaps not. Himself already acts like I do that anyway if I mention doing anything. I'll mostly just do it myself now instead of asking and waiting for things to be done.

Perhaps I could ask his friend to ask him to do stuff. I might get it done then. Perhaps not, since I'm persona non grata with said friend, or at least that's how it feels. My friends make the effort to talk to him, have a laugh, a bit of friendly banter, invite him to parties. His friend doesn't even speak to me on any level, and I now seem excluded from their circle of friends while himself is still the best friend. I talk to the other halves of my friends when and if I meet them. If I was throwing a party and inviting my friends, it would be as a couple, not just the immediate friends. If I was planning a night out with said friends, I would make sure their other half didn't mind (not that I've done that in a while anyway, since the friends I seem to spend time with are either single or the nights out are at the dancing which is all pre-arranged anyway). Perhaps I was just brought up differently to other people, and consideration for others is a thing of the past.

Question: Why should I have to sit writing this in a blog for the message to get through to people (yet again) when I've already explained a situation more than once?

You know, sometimes I do feel like I'm just the lodger/maid/his mother, but I just sigh, get on with it, and remember that I signed up to be his wife. I'll keep doing what I'm doing, living like this, being pitied by people for a relationship they see as "unhealthy", ignored by others because it suits them to do so, and I will continue to defend my right to live like this, living in a relationship that I chose. I signed up for it. I may not have known what was coming, but back then, I didn't care. I was marrying the man I loved, and still love, despite all the grumblings and complaints. Read back and you'll see that it's not all complaints and there's a lot of laughs thrown in as well as positive stuff going on. Today just made me jealous in a way, but I won't give up, give in or get out. This is it. This is my marriage. In sickness and in health , for richer, for poorer, till death do we part.