Stuff.

Today I went to my first Civil Partnership ceremony. My Sister-in-Law and her other half finally got round to getting "hitched". It was a really lovely day spent with the in-laws and himself, although himself was his usual for the bulk of the time, i.e. no hand-holding, no talking, no acting like a couple... He did have a few occasional slips into the "normal couple" thing of noticing I was there, which rather surprised me, since I'm a bit too used to the non-contact sport that the marriage is.

People seem hell-bent on trying to "fix" me and my train-wreck of a marriage, but it's something I've grown accustomed to. "You shouldn't have to" they say, but my response is that I'm happy... Well, fairly happy anyway. While he doesn't do romance in any big way, it's something I've lived with for a while now, and I'm used to it. We don't do things as a couple, with the exception of Beltring, but hell, even that's more a case of being in the same location, sleeping in the same tent (most of the time) and generally the rest of the time is spent doing our own thing.

Look at it another way for a second. Consider this: I can go out and do my own thing. I can go to the dancing any night I please. I can drop off the planet and go see friends of a weekend with no major planning around spending quality time with himself. I can sit in front of my computer, sewing machine or television with no guilty feelings about not being sat with him, talking to him, doing things with him. He's out at work a lot. He's tired a lot. Plus I try not to plan things when he's home so at least we are in the same location at the same time.

I described it to someone the other day as being like having another cat in the house. I wouldn't part with my cats, despite the fact that they hardly notice I'm here, with the exception of feeding time, they don't demand that I not go out because they're home, they don't mind if I spend hours in my sewing room... Himself is the same, except he's more adept at feeding himself. I don't get "looks" when I go out. Don't get comments about spending time with my friends. I don't have to explain where I'm going, who I'll be with, what we'll be doing. He knows I like spending time with friends to keep myself sane, because it can get a bit lonely sitting here night after night or over weekends while he's out at work.

So tell me where the problem is? I can't actually see one from this angle.

Actually, I lie. There is one thing I have a problem with. The same as I like spending some time with my cats, I would like to spend some time with himself. He's been working a lot lately, so our paths haven't really crossed that much. It would be nice to have some time to ourselves, maybe go out for an evening, or go somewhere and just have a nice time in each other's company. He has a weekend off coming up soon...

Himself however is planning that time to go and see one of his friends. He's arranged to go over, go out, have some fun, set the world to rights, have a laugh... Should I be upset by that? I am, for the record. He knows why. So should the other person, although I'm not going to interfere in a friendship. Especially not that one, because frankly, it's not worth all the hassle it causes on any side of things. I say things out of turn about my thoughts on the subject and it causes silence (more than usual) and resentment on his part. Then I get comments from other quarters. Then it all gets messy from there on in.

I try to encourage him to socialise with my friends. My friends are our friends. We have been invited to a barbecue at one of the girls I go dancing with's house. He's working late shift, but she's said to him to come over after work, since the party will be a late one. I ask him to drop me at the dancing on a Thursday if he's home. I know he won't start dancing any time soon, and I'm not really pressing the issue, except in fun, but it means he gets to meet my friends, to socialise with the people I spend time with on a regular basis.

The same doesn't apply both ways.

His friends are exclusive to him. I am not allowed to intrude on the friendship. This is becoming more obvious as time passes. I've had the comment dropped into conversation about himself being put out because his weekend plans to go somewhere were put off because of something happening with his friend. This was said on the Thursday of the weekend he was apparently supposed to be going out on the Saturday with his friend and staying over. Obviously planned beforehand, but not mentioned till that point. He said it was, but I think I would have noticed, given my feelings on the subject.

I don't work weekends. I'm usually home when he is. If I'm going to go away for the weekend, it's normally when he's working (usually nights) and I'll mention it in advance. I usually ask if it's OK for me to disappear to see my mates for the weekend before making firm plans to do so. I don't make plans, sort it all out then tell him about it just before it happens, unless it's been a spur-of-the-moment thing, and that's usually going over to Wales to see M&M and my godchildren. If there's a plan to go see them and his roster changes, I've asked him to come with me, or I've cancelled unless he insists I go. Simple as that really.

The weekend he is planning on setting the world to rights and being a human being rather than a work-robot happens to be the weekend my parents are coming here, passing through on their way to go on a cruise.

Now can you see my real problem with this arrangement?

He's also planning on doing some electrical work for a friend of his friend.

I had to ask one of our friends to put shelves up in the kitchen for me, because I couldn't see him getting them done any time this side of the next ice age.

Can you see my other problem?

I'll explain: I ask till I'm blue in the face then get someone else to do whatever it is that I need done and can't do myself. Someone else asks, and himself is immediately working out when he can do it, how long it will take, setting a date to go do whatever it is... He's worked out that he can go over, go out on the Friday night, have fun, enjoy himself, chat, set the world to rights, solve all his friend's problems, be there as a sounding board for their problems, start sorting out the work needing done on the Saturday, come back here on the Saturday evening, probably spend some quality time with his computer while I'm downstairs with the parents, then once they're out the way on the Sunday, it's back to helping out a friend of a friend.

I'm not saying not to do it. It's all arranged, and I'm not asking him to break an arrangement he's made. I'm not telling him he's not allowed to do it. I'm saying he should start looking a little closer to home for someone who needs that shoulder to lean on, to talk to about the future which is as yet uncertain, to have a good bitch about the world in general, to talk over the fears and doubts about a major op... To be the friend he signed up to be just over 6 years ago.

I was reminded of that day today. I nearly cried in the register office, simply because I knew that my sister in law was getting a better deal than the one I signed up to. They probably don't live in a perfect relationship, but it's definitely not the "train-wreck" I describe mine as.

Other people look in and see snippets of our life. Some hear my side of things, in which I am as fair as I can be. I point out to those that comment that himself works a lot. We don't get a lot of time to spend together and he's usually pretty tired. Anyone would be after working for six straight weeks with an average of 50 to 60 hours in every week. I defend what he does up to a point. Other people see his side of things. I don't know what he tells them, but while I refer to himself as "himself", I am referred to as "she who must be obeyed". "Himself" is a very Scottish colloqual way of talking about your other half, and it's a nice reference. It goes along with other similar greetings like "How's yourself?" or "How's himself?" A much easier way of talking about someone if you are politely refraining from mentioning a name in a blog, and a lot more personal, to me at least, than just an initial, as well as being a normal thing to say for me, being Scottish as I am. "SWMBO" feels a lot more derogatory, don't you think? Plus I can't remember the last time I gave any orders to himself about anything. I've asked him to do stuff, suggested that he could perhaps do something houseworkish when he says he's got nothing to do, but I don't order him to do anything. I don't give him a list of things to be done and a deadline in which to do them.

Perhaps I should...

Perhaps not. Himself already acts like I do that anyway if I mention doing anything. I'll mostly just do it myself now instead of asking and waiting for things to be done.

Perhaps I could ask his friend to ask him to do stuff. I might get it done then. Perhaps not, since I'm persona non grata with said friend, or at least that's how it feels. My friends make the effort to talk to him, have a laugh, a bit of friendly banter, invite him to parties. His friend doesn't even speak to me on any level, and I now seem excluded from their circle of friends while himself is still the best friend. I talk to the other halves of my friends when and if I meet them. If I was throwing a party and inviting my friends, it would be as a couple, not just the immediate friends. If I was planning a night out with said friends, I would make sure their other half didn't mind (not that I've done that in a while anyway, since the friends I seem to spend time with are either single or the nights out are at the dancing which is all pre-arranged anyway). Perhaps I was just brought up differently to other people, and consideration for others is a thing of the past.

Question: Why should I have to sit writing this in a blog for the message to get through to people (yet again) when I've already explained a situation more than once?

You know, sometimes I do feel like I'm just the lodger/maid/his mother, but I just sigh, get on with it, and remember that I signed up to be his wife. I'll keep doing what I'm doing, living like this, being pitied by people for a relationship they see as "unhealthy", ignored by others because it suits them to do so, and I will continue to defend my right to live like this, living in a relationship that I chose. I signed up for it. I may not have known what was coming, but back then, I didn't care. I was marrying the man I loved, and still love, despite all the grumblings and complaints. Read back and you'll see that it's not all complaints and there's a lot of laughs thrown in as well as positive stuff going on. Today just made me jealous in a way, but I won't give up, give in or get out. This is it. This is my marriage. In sickness and in health , for richer, for poorer, till death do we part.

I blinked... What happened?

Well, I blinked and suddenly, as I opened my eyes, the world was upside down.

What happened? Oh, just work calling me in and telling me that my contract that's due to end on the 28th September will not be renewed.

I smiled. I joked. I laughed about it. I got home and started immediately looking for another job. Then the brain kicked in.

"Hold on" it said, "Why are you rushing into another job? Take some time. Chill out. Remember you have an upcoming hospital appointment and possibly 6 weeks off post op to contend with."

I stopped and listened. I thought about it. My brain was talking a great deal of sense, and so I've decided to follow the advice. For two weeks after I leave the company I'm with, I shall go off and see people, do things, get out and visit those that I haven't seen for a while and generally just chill out and take some time to myself. I've not done that for a while. Not really. I've always had work in the back of my mind, or known that I'm along for the ride on trips out, or known that if I go off somewhere it's to problem solve, be there for someone else, or do something for someone else. Trips to S are to buy material to make dresses for other people and rarely for things for myself these days.

Mind you, now being a dance fanatic means I can possibly get in on the niche market of making competition dresses for some of the girls I dance with, and doing other general sewing work along with it. Something I'd enjoy, as I don't have the figure or the talent for the dance competition, slinky lycra look, but one girl at dancing sure as hell does.

I'm itching to create something fabulous, and have an idea that I will explore as my experience gets input. In the meantime, it's basics of sewing with lycra, making leotard dresses and learning beadwork, applique and other interesting techniques that are going to have me cursing till I master them.

This getting freed from a job that was frankly taking up too much of my creative thought processes is a gift. They say never look a gift horse in the mouth, but I will however check for Greek soldiers elsewhere in it's anatomy

Jumbled thoughts

I can't settle enough to finish the dress I've been making, so I thought I'd come here and blog, just to gt rid of someof the clutter in my mind. It always seems to sort my head out when I write, so here goes...

It's been a lousy week really. It had its moments, but they passed swiftly and were overwhelmed by other things. Monday was interesting, because I went out with a friend S and his dog. We took a wander down by the river, then S, in his infinite wisdom, decided we were going to the beach, so off we went in his Landrover. We got most of the way there when his gears decided they weren't working. Fortunately there was a spot to pull into, which we did, and then had to strip out the top of a gearbox. Fun when I look back on it, but it was a warm, sunny day and we didn't have anything to eat or drink with us. We got it mostly put back together again, then decided to take the dog for another hike round the forrest park we were stopped on the edge of. After we got back from that, we finished puting the car back together, went for a very nice dinner, and by the time I got home, it was gone ten at night. Himself was predictably asleep by the time I got in the door. He's been on earlies this week, so in bed at a sensible hour most nights.

Tuesday I went to work. Wasn't feeling too great and by the time I got home, I was feeling decidedly icky, so no dancing for me. I spent the evening on the sofa watching nothing much really. Wednesday was OK, although still not feeling too great. Got home from work and did a fitting of the dress, which (shock, horror) fitted just fine. No alterations needed, so I could just sew the skirt straight onto the bodice, which I did. By the time that was done, I still wasn't feeling too great and the next job would have been puting the zip in. I decided to leave that till another time. Thursday was OK, although still feeling grotty. Went dancing, but didn't really make too much of an effort to get up and dance much in the freestyle bit. Got home and felt very tired, so went almost straight to bed. Unheard of for me really.

Yesterday I dragged myself out of bed feeling like hell. I got ready for work, thought about breakfast, considered the possibility of throwing it up again and decided to pass. Was on the brink of leaving for work when I decided it would be a very bad idea, and went and lay on the sofa wrapped in a duvet, clutching my hot water bottle. I was feeling a bit more human by the afternoon, so put the zip in the dress. It was easier than expected, although not quite a perfect job. It's a good job nonetheless, just definitely not a manufactured perfection. Is it just me, or does everyone else like hand-made things to look hand-made, with effort and not just manufactured as if it was shop bought? Didn't manage to do the hand-stitching or hemming though. Those are on the list for this afternoon/evening.

This morning I was having real trouble trying to get out of bed. Had to go catch a train to get a bulb for the sewing machine and a zip for a dress I will be mending for a friend from dancing. Of course, while I was in the material shop I had to buy some more material. Well, you have to really... I have another dance skirt in the planning stages in my head. Something a bit more flash than my last couple and all my own design. I just need to have the energy to get on, finish the dress, then make the skirt, and hopefully have it done by Thursday's dance class.

Today was going well. I got what I needed, bought what I wanted, then browsed in Markies food hall and picked up some bits and pieces for a late lunch with himself. I told him about said late lunch, thinking he might be pleased that I'm making some sort of effort. He seemed a bit nonplussed by the whole thing, and totally non-committal about whether he wanted fed or not when he gets home. I was sorely tempted just to throw the whole lot in the bin because I was just that disheartened by the reaction.

What is it I need to do to get an ounce of enthusiasm out of him?

I will say this though: He managed to take note of something I said recently. Sometimes I just need a hug. Sometimes a hug is all that's neccessary. A little understanding comfort rather than a fix or solution. I'm not expecting himself to have the answers to all of my problems, but it's nice to know that he's there and paying attention.

Let's get this straight though. Understanding hugs are not enthusiasm. It's a comfort thing. Enthusiasm would be asking questions about my dancing or dressmaking that require detailed responses with thought behind them, rather than "How's it going?" or "How was the dancing last night?" or even "How was your day?" which only really a require a "fine" answer for him to be satisfied. I get the feeling when he asks, it's out of duty rather than a quest to know what I've been sewing or if it's been difficult, easy, complicated, enjoyable, frustrating... The same with the dancing. I doubt he wants to know what moves I've learned, whether I've been asked to go to some of the Friday/Saturday night dances in N or M, or whether my dance friends have decreed that I must not cycle to the dancing at night because it's dark coming home through an estate that, let's face it, is a bit rough, although I've never had any bother at all.

Ah well... I need to get a hem taken up, a collar stitched down, bodice lining stitched in and an underskirt rehemmed to the right length as well as attaching a ribbon to the waistband. Got to have it all done by Wednesday too, so I have today, tomorrow and Monday to get it completed, although I really want to be making a skirt by tomorrow afternoon... Suppose I better get cracking really. I think I'm in the right frame of mind now...