Bitter and Twisted
Exactly how I feel today. I am angry enough to want to go to Kent just to say in a loud voice about how pissed off I am that Paul gets to hang out with my friends and I don't. I am angry enough to want to go up to his girlfriend and tell her exactly what her current beau is like. I am angry enough to not care if my friends think badly of me for causing a scene. I am angry because I am the one who has to still suffer for what he has done while he gets away with it. I am angry because I am jealous that he has a life and I have very little.
I'm sick of having to phone helplines every time I get too depressed to want to carry on. I've had enough of living like this in constant fear of what I might do next. I've come to the end of my tether. I want to scream and shout at him and make him see what he has done.
I want him to care that he has ruined my life, not ignore it and have a life himself, enjoying himself while I sit here broken and hating myself. He is a selfish prick who cares nothing for those he hurts, those whose lives he destroys
And yet I still care...
If he meant nothing to me, I could have moved on by now. If he had managed to make me really hate him, I would not be sitting here day after day, taking tablets to keep my depression in check. I sometimes wish he had killed me when he nearly broke my neck that night. He would have lied his way out of it, or done his best to anyway, but at least then I would not have had to continue with this hell inside my head. I wouldn't have had to admit that I had lied to everyone about the state of the marriage. I wouldn't have had to find the courage to tell my parents that I sometimes wish myself dead and wouldn't have had to hurt them by them seeing the scars of what I do to myself. They may never have had to learn the truth of my marriage and what that man did to their little girl for years.
Even if it had been discovered that he had been my killer, the truth of years of abuse would never have had to come out. As it is, I survived and the survival has been worse than I could possibly have imagined. It still hurts. He still harms me mentally. The things he has done haunt me, and the fact that he doesn't care makes it worse.
If there had been some remorse on his part, perhaps things would be easier. If he had been bothered about my wellbeing, perhaps I wouldn't currently be fighting the urge to go down there and tell him exactly what he has done in front of all his so-called friends. It's another form of self-destruction, as I am sure those friends would not appreciate me making a scene, and a few would probably decide it would be better not to have me as a friend because I am unstable and disruptive.
I don't even want him to be sorry now. He had his chance to do all that, but he was obviously too busy to care about anyone but himself. If he came out now and got all "but I do care and want to make sure you're ok" I wouldn't believe him, simply because it's taken too long, and he's about to find out how much divorce will cost him. I don't want him being all caring now, because it would look so false in the face of the last god knows how long's ignoring me. I do wonder if it would make any difference, but that would only be if he meant it, and I doubt he has any real concern for anyone other than to worry about what people think of him. That's why he keeps having to play everyone's hero, so people will think he's wonderful.
Being honest, people think he's a twat. I know this because I heard it enough. I just didn't say anything, and frankly, joined in when people were slagging him off, because by that point, I'd had enough of trying to be the dutiful wife to a man who didn't care about me in the slightest.
I have worked out my anger I think. Now I'm just miserable again.
I'm sick of having to phone helplines every time I get too depressed to want to carry on. I've had enough of living like this in constant fear of what I might do next. I've come to the end of my tether. I want to scream and shout at him and make him see what he has done.
I want him to care that he has ruined my life, not ignore it and have a life himself, enjoying himself while I sit here broken and hating myself. He is a selfish prick who cares nothing for those he hurts, those whose lives he destroys
And yet I still care...
If he meant nothing to me, I could have moved on by now. If he had managed to make me really hate him, I would not be sitting here day after day, taking tablets to keep my depression in check. I sometimes wish he had killed me when he nearly broke my neck that night. He would have lied his way out of it, or done his best to anyway, but at least then I would not have had to continue with this hell inside my head. I wouldn't have had to admit that I had lied to everyone about the state of the marriage. I wouldn't have had to find the courage to tell my parents that I sometimes wish myself dead and wouldn't have had to hurt them by them seeing the scars of what I do to myself. They may never have had to learn the truth of my marriage and what that man did to their little girl for years.
Even if it had been discovered that he had been my killer, the truth of years of abuse would never have had to come out. As it is, I survived and the survival has been worse than I could possibly have imagined. It still hurts. He still harms me mentally. The things he has done haunt me, and the fact that he doesn't care makes it worse.
If there had been some remorse on his part, perhaps things would be easier. If he had been bothered about my wellbeing, perhaps I wouldn't currently be fighting the urge to go down there and tell him exactly what he has done in front of all his so-called friends. It's another form of self-destruction, as I am sure those friends would not appreciate me making a scene, and a few would probably decide it would be better not to have me as a friend because I am unstable and disruptive.
I don't even want him to be sorry now. He had his chance to do all that, but he was obviously too busy to care about anyone but himself. If he came out now and got all "but I do care and want to make sure you're ok" I wouldn't believe him, simply because it's taken too long, and he's about to find out how much divorce will cost him. I don't want him being all caring now, because it would look so false in the face of the last god knows how long's ignoring me. I do wonder if it would make any difference, but that would only be if he meant it, and I doubt he has any real concern for anyone other than to worry about what people think of him. That's why he keeps having to play everyone's hero, so people will think he's wonderful.
Being honest, people think he's a twat. I know this because I heard it enough. I just didn't say anything, and frankly, joined in when people were slagging him off, because by that point, I'd had enough of trying to be the dutiful wife to a man who didn't care about me in the slightest.
I have worked out my anger I think. Now I'm just miserable again.
posted by Me at 10:40 am
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