Another Day...

...Anther post. Shocking. I've been absent for ages and now I post twice in as many days. The joys of visiting friends with the internet.

More rubbish in a minute, but first a quick reply to a friend: Puss, don't worry about it. I've not been great at writing to anyone of late either. Come visit if you need a break and can get away. x

Anyway, meanwhile back at the ranch...

Certain places and certain company seem to drag my mind back to times and places that I try and keep my thoughts away from, and right now I'm in the wrong place and with the wrong people to keep my mind off what's doing with the life I left behind, but I can't avoid it forever. I'm a lot better than I was the last time I was here on my own: at that point I was ready to do something I shouldn't, but now I just feel sad and alone.

By the way, please don't do the "poor you, lemme give you a hug" thing, because that just makes me worse...

I suppose it will get better with time. I tried to avoid the subject yesterday (how good was I at that too?) but it's been niggling at me worse and worse. Himself and I have reached a point where we seem not to be sniping at each other, which is a better place to be, but after so long, it's difficult to do without him at times. He knows how I feel.

A well, I should quit while I'm ahead. I suppose I just miss a lot of things that I can't have back, and can't change things that I wish I could.

I'll try and be more cheerful next time.

Still Alive...

Yep, I still exist. I still don't have the internet, but I don't really miss it. I've been so busy with one thing or another of late I haven't even made it to the Library recently, and nor have I managed to type anything worthwhile on my computer either.

Well, I say I've been busy... I've mostly been trying to sort out things for the holiday I had recently (more about that another time) and generally trying to make my house habitable again. I've failed miserably on that one, which means I get really miserable because my house is a tip, so a couple of days last week I lived in my bedroom, only coming out to go to the toilet or fetch food.

I went for a job recently too... Just a part-time thing doing 14 hours a week as a seamstress, but that fell flat, because I was away on my hols while the woman was seeing people, so the job had gone before I even got interviewed. Great, huh? So I'm still unemployed and feeling more shitty because of the job thing and not feeling great about my skills again. Not to worry, I have small jobs lined up in the sewing department that will keep me busy enough at home, although they won't be leaving me flush with cash.

I hate being skint. I've been getting used to it, but it's still not a great way to live. I'd much rather have a wee bit more cash in my pocket every month and be able to just go and buy the material I need for all the jobs I have rather than having to do one, get paid, do another, get paid, do another... you can see a pattern... I'm thinking I may have to move out of my wee flat to somewhere cheaper, but that thought fills me with dread, because I'd have to pack up my life once again, just when I was starting to sort things out. The problem is that the benefits I get to pay for my rent don't cover it, so half of the money that's supposed to be for me to live on each week has to go towards the shortfall. I can't keep up with things the way it is, and it's not going to get any better over time either. My only option at the moment is to move.

For the record, I'm still sick, still stuck in my flat for too many hours a week, have the social life of a dead dog and generally hate life at the moment. I'll get over it as soon as things improve. I just wish that would be sooner rather than later.