Why?

Why did I decide to give up smoking? Why did I decide to go on a diet? Why did I even bother thinking of having kids? Why didn't I just tell the gynae people to get on and take it all out since I have no use for it? Why do I get lectured about buying biscuits as he's given up sugar while he can smoke in the house and order pizza and ask if I want anything while he's ordering? Why am I always the one in the wrong?

I'm wrong for having hobbies. I'm wrong for using a room he wasn't using and filled up with crap that never got used. I'm wrong for asking him to look for something my sister needs. I'm wrong for getting annoyed that I did most of the looking. I'm wrong. Permanently.

I made the decision. I am NOT having children with that man. He's had four months to answer a simple question. Does he want kids. Obviously not then.

He comes in the house after work. He comes upstairs. He turns his computer on. He goes to the loo. He then sits in front of his computer until it's time to fetch his dinner from the delivery boy, then sits in front of his computer till it's time to go to bed. He gets up in the morning. He turns his computer on. He goes to the loo. He then sits in front of his computer until it is time to go to work.

He then wonders why I get annoyed after being told I was spending too much time on my computer. So I stopped. So I sat downstairs on my own. So I took up sewing and knitting. So I took up jive dancing. So all of that is wrong too.

I don't have anyone to share my evenings with, even when he's not working, so why shouldn't I take up hobbies? Oh no. I'm not allowed to do anything other than sit here staring at the wall (because I'm not allowed to use my computer or look at his) because I might be enjoying myself.

*gasp*

That will never do. Remind me tomorrow to go pawn my life, as I have no use for it and may as well get the cash and go spend it on a pack of cigarettes and a pizza.