Lost...
I feel lost. Mixed emotionally. Who am I? I don't know. Does anyone? I wonder. Those that know me best might say yes. I wish they would tell me.
Who am I? What is my favourite colour? What do I like to eat? Am I loner or a socialite? What music do I like? What do I turn off when it comes on the radio? What car do I want to own? What would my ideal job be? Who is my ideal man? Do I want one? Which do I prefer? Long walks with someone or sitting on my own with my own thoughts? Am I needed? Wanted? What makes me smile? Laugh? Frown? Cry? Italian or Chinese? Sun or rain? Hot or cold? Diamonds or practical? which would I choose? What makes me tick? What's my favourite ice cream? Where would I love to be right now?
I'm looking for something. There's part of me missing. There's an empty space needing filled. A void that won't go away. I know what it is, but don't know where or how to find it. I look, but don't find. I search fruitlessly. I try to solve the mystery of making myself a whole, and end up emptier than before.
I feel guilt. I didn't write. I didn't call. I didn't make contact. I called too much. I intruded where I shouldn't have gone. I don't want to hurt. Don't want to hurt others. I said too much. I didn't speak enough.
Conflict. It's in my head. What to do? What not to do? Why do it if I can avoid it? Can I avoid it? Would things be better if I ignored it or met it head on? What would I say? Where would it lead? How would it end? Badly? Would things improve? What if they don't? Do I even want to try? Will anything ever be different? Has anything changed when I've said things in the past?
I want to talk to someone, but who? Other people have their own problems. They don't need mine as well. Some say they do, but suddenly are busy, tired, whatever.
I'm lost. No map, no compass, no magnetic north to guide myself by. I stumble on day after day wondering where I am, what I'm doing, why I did what I did, why I torture myself daily with the whole pantomime of life. It's not me. Really it isn't.
If there's an answer to all my questions above, if you know who I am, please let me know. Perhaps knowing that will let me know where to find the part of me that's missing.
Who am I? What is my favourite colour? What do I like to eat? Am I loner or a socialite? What music do I like? What do I turn off when it comes on the radio? What car do I want to own? What would my ideal job be? Who is my ideal man? Do I want one? Which do I prefer? Long walks with someone or sitting on my own with my own thoughts? Am I needed? Wanted? What makes me smile? Laugh? Frown? Cry? Italian or Chinese? Sun or rain? Hot or cold? Diamonds or practical? which would I choose? What makes me tick? What's my favourite ice cream? Where would I love to be right now?
I'm looking for something. There's part of me missing. There's an empty space needing filled. A void that won't go away. I know what it is, but don't know where or how to find it. I look, but don't find. I search fruitlessly. I try to solve the mystery of making myself a whole, and end up emptier than before.
I feel guilt. I didn't write. I didn't call. I didn't make contact. I called too much. I intruded where I shouldn't have gone. I don't want to hurt. Don't want to hurt others. I said too much. I didn't speak enough.
Conflict. It's in my head. What to do? What not to do? Why do it if I can avoid it? Can I avoid it? Would things be better if I ignored it or met it head on? What would I say? Where would it lead? How would it end? Badly? Would things improve? What if they don't? Do I even want to try? Will anything ever be different? Has anything changed when I've said things in the past?
I want to talk to someone, but who? Other people have their own problems. They don't need mine as well. Some say they do, but suddenly are busy, tired, whatever.
I'm lost. No map, no compass, no magnetic north to guide myself by. I stumble on day after day wondering where I am, what I'm doing, why I did what I did, why I torture myself daily with the whole pantomime of life. It's not me. Really it isn't.
If there's an answer to all my questions above, if you know who I am, please let me know. Perhaps knowing that will let me know where to find the part of me that's missing.
posted by Me at 8:10 pm
4 Comments:
Mags. Red. Grilled shrimp wrapped in parma ham. Right in the middle. Girl punk, but only if produced in 1923. Britney Spears, purely because you feel indignant that she is able to pull of bald and you aren't. An Aston Martin, but will settle for an old VW wagon. Retirement (that one was easy). Sam Neill. No, but Sam Neill is *right there*. You prefer the left. Sitting alone while needling someone in the other room with your thoughts. You aren't needed, but you are wanted, which is infintely more important. Ducks make you smile. Not live ones. Dead ones. Dead ducks. You frown at the gays. I don't know when you started becoming such a homophobe, but you should probably cease frowning at the gays. You cry when your shins are kicked, and also when you are forced to listen to Britney Spears (see above bald comment). Russian. Snow. Tepid. A practical diamond. Your internal alarm clock. Snickers. Cyprus, but you'd settle for Leeds.
Do nothing. Don't do nothing (for shame). Because it is awesomer that way. Probably not. "Cheetos make my teeth turn orange". Straight down the pathway to hell. Probably with a pinch hitter and the Yanks would tie the series. Goodly. Only in the improvement sense of the word. Then they don't. Of course you do. Probably not. No.
Karl Marx (you Marxist homophobe).
And......you are welcome.
I frown at gays because they dress better than me... Other than that, you're spot on... Spooky...
heh
Angel, it's times like these I know why I keep you around. Better than therapy, cheaper than therapy and definitely more entertaining than throwing dead ducks in an Aston Martin and driving round Leeds...
xxxx
LET US BE CLEAR AS TO WHICH OF US KEEPS THE OTHER AROUND. It is mutually beneficial because we make the other look better.
And when the fuck did you progress to throwing dead dead ducks into cars?
Therapy indeed.....
I miss chatting with you guys. :(
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