Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could take a holiday from being me. It would be nice to be able to step away from the mess in my head, but that's not really possible. I'm sick of being in this mess, and right now I'm getting really dragged down by it.

I've now got to the point where I have considered deleting a load of friends off Facebook, just because they are part of a life I can no longer live. I can't socialise with a group of my friends simply because Paul is still part of the group. I can't look at photographs of Beltring in case I come across a pic of him enjoying himself as part of the group.

I feel like I am going to have to excise all the years with him out of my life, and since the last 18 months have been a bit of a non-event, that makes a total of 9 years and 29 days that I have to cut away from. I can't do it. I wish I could, but I can't pretend that the time didn't happen. I can't magically make it all disappear.

Perhaps some day it won't matter any more. I could do with that day being today, but sadly it isn't.