An insight...
I thought I would share an insight into the debilitating effects of my illness. I have severe depression at the moment combined with PTSD. Today has not been a good day.
I had a nightmare last night. In it, I was here in my house, and then Paul turned up, came stright into my house as if he owned the place and would not leave. I told him to get out several times, and eventually he replied that I had not asked nicely enough. By this point, he was sitting comfortably in my living room. I asked him nicely if he would please leave, at which point, he smirked and said no. I was in a right state by this point, wanting him to get out of my house and as far away from me as possible, and his response to that was to grab me and slap me. Hard. At that point, I went out into my garden, waiting for the Bear. Paul followed and sat next to me on my bench. The Bear pulled up in his car and came up next-door's steps with a wire shopping basket with stuff in it. He didn't acknowledge me or Paul sitting in the garden, and at that point, I fell to pieces.
And then woke up.
All day (gradually getting worse until late afternoon and then falling off again) I have thad that "monsters under the bed" feeling. You know, the one you had as a kid when you KNEW something was going to reach out and grab you from underneath before you got into bed. The one that made you leap into bed from a distance, or hurry to get onto the bed and under the covers to be safe from the questing fingers of the monster.
I have had the feeling that I am going to go to the hall, and he will be there, standing in the middle of it. I have had the feeling that he will walk round the corner towards me when I am in my garden. I feel that I will turn round and he will be there. It makes me afraid of being in my own house. It makes me terrified of going outside. I get panicky and feel sick. I shake and have trouble thinking straight. I become paralysed with fear. I daren't even get undressed and have a shower, because I feel too vulnerable being naked.
On the plus side, it's cut down my smoking a hell of a lot, since I can't always step outside my front door and I refuse to smoke in the house because it smells awful.
I'm just hoping for a peaceful night tonight. If not, I shall be getting the Bear to accompany me to the doctors to get some more tranquilisers.
I had a nightmare last night. In it, I was here in my house, and then Paul turned up, came stright into my house as if he owned the place and would not leave. I told him to get out several times, and eventually he replied that I had not asked nicely enough. By this point, he was sitting comfortably in my living room. I asked him nicely if he would please leave, at which point, he smirked and said no. I was in a right state by this point, wanting him to get out of my house and as far away from me as possible, and his response to that was to grab me and slap me. Hard. At that point, I went out into my garden, waiting for the Bear. Paul followed and sat next to me on my bench. The Bear pulled up in his car and came up next-door's steps with a wire shopping basket with stuff in it. He didn't acknowledge me or Paul sitting in the garden, and at that point, I fell to pieces.
And then woke up.
All day (gradually getting worse until late afternoon and then falling off again) I have thad that "monsters under the bed" feeling. You know, the one you had as a kid when you KNEW something was going to reach out and grab you from underneath before you got into bed. The one that made you leap into bed from a distance, or hurry to get onto the bed and under the covers to be safe from the questing fingers of the monster.
I have had the feeling that I am going to go to the hall, and he will be there, standing in the middle of it. I have had the feeling that he will walk round the corner towards me when I am in my garden. I feel that I will turn round and he will be there. It makes me afraid of being in my own house. It makes me terrified of going outside. I get panicky and feel sick. I shake and have trouble thinking straight. I become paralysed with fear. I daren't even get undressed and have a shower, because I feel too vulnerable being naked.
On the plus side, it's cut down my smoking a hell of a lot, since I can't always step outside my front door and I refuse to smoke in the house because it smells awful.
I'm just hoping for a peaceful night tonight. If not, I shall be getting the Bear to accompany me to the doctors to get some more tranquilisers.
posted by Me at 9:59 pm
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