Dressmaking and other stuff
So, I've been busy dressmaking. Not for any particular reason. It's just because I can and because I have nothing really much better to do. I have a lot of material and haven't been doing anything with it, so I dug out some and started pinning it to my tailors' dummy. I've already posted the pics here...
Now, my problem with all this is that I love the design stage, because it's all creative and stuff, but then I have to put it all together. Sooo, clever me decided to hide the zip in the latest frock, and jeez, what a headache that has been. It took me nearly an hour to work out how it all goes together and to get the zip ready for insertion into the lining and dress. I've had to use a placket (technical term for the extra bits of material inside the back closure) to get it in the right place and now I have to work out how it's all got to go together. Fun. It'll be great when it's finished though and I can start on my next one. I already have bits of it pinned to the mannequin despite not having all of the first one unpinned from it...
It's been a funny day really. Not in the amusing sense, but in the odd sense.
This morning I woke up feeling good, which was unexpected because I felt like hell yesterday- I was really sicky and headachy and barely managed to get out of bed before heading back there again. So this morning I got up and decided to get stuff done. I managed to cut the lining for my dress, then went to get some shopping, since the cupboards were looking a bit bare. It started to rain on the way back, but I didn't mind. The Bear came to meet me and helped carry the shopping home- a good thing since a third of it was heavy, heavy cat food.
Anyway, got in, had some fodder and a cuppa, then was having cuddles with the Bear when everything went wrong.
I felt like I was in the wrong place with the wrong person: I wanted to be home with Paul, with him hugging me, not here with the Bear. Then I realised I didn't want to be with Paul, then did, then didn't, then couldn't cope with ANYONE touching me. I felt really bad because I pulled away from the Bear in tears and couldn't explain why. I felt like it would be really hurtful for him to have to hear that I had wanted to be with Paul again, even if it was only a fleeting feeling, but I know the Bear and know he would understand, but couldn't work out how to say anything and the confusion and remembered feeling of being hugged by Paul meant I felt I couldn't be touched. Not by anyone.
I had to go outside and try to calm down for a bit before I could say anything to the Bear about what had happened. He was very understanding, as he always is, and told me it wasn't my fault. From my point of view, it's not the Bear's fault either, but he's still having to bear the brunt of the emotional crises that I have. He has to put up with being pushed away. He has to put up with me being an emotional wreck when something triggers my reactions. He's the one that has to put me back together when I fall apart. He's the one that has to encourage me to keep going when all I want to do is curl up in a corner.
My Bear is fantastic. How he puts up with all this, I don't know, but all he keeps saying is "It's not your fault, and one day you'll be able to deal with all these things and have your life back".
That's why I want to get this latest dress off the machine and onto a hanger. I want to get my creative head working on the next one, because then I stop thinking about other things for a while and really feel free. I get happy and excited when I create and it spills over into the rest of my time. The Bear loves watching me as I work, fascinated that I can just pin and cut without using patterns, just seeing what I want it to look like in my head and making it like that. It will also give me a sense of achievement that even though I have been having a rough time of late, I can still make something beautiful and worthwhile. It gives me purpose and meaning in an otherwise quite uninteresting life.
Now, my problem with all this is that I love the design stage, because it's all creative and stuff, but then I have to put it all together. Sooo, clever me decided to hide the zip in the latest frock, and jeez, what a headache that has been. It took me nearly an hour to work out how it all goes together and to get the zip ready for insertion into the lining and dress. I've had to use a placket (technical term for the extra bits of material inside the back closure) to get it in the right place and now I have to work out how it's all got to go together. Fun. It'll be great when it's finished though and I can start on my next one. I already have bits of it pinned to the mannequin despite not having all of the first one unpinned from it...
It's been a funny day really. Not in the amusing sense, but in the odd sense.
This morning I woke up feeling good, which was unexpected because I felt like hell yesterday- I was really sicky and headachy and barely managed to get out of bed before heading back there again. So this morning I got up and decided to get stuff done. I managed to cut the lining for my dress, then went to get some shopping, since the cupboards were looking a bit bare. It started to rain on the way back, but I didn't mind. The Bear came to meet me and helped carry the shopping home- a good thing since a third of it was heavy, heavy cat food.
Anyway, got in, had some fodder and a cuppa, then was having cuddles with the Bear when everything went wrong.
I felt like I was in the wrong place with the wrong person: I wanted to be home with Paul, with him hugging me, not here with the Bear. Then I realised I didn't want to be with Paul, then did, then didn't, then couldn't cope with ANYONE touching me. I felt really bad because I pulled away from the Bear in tears and couldn't explain why. I felt like it would be really hurtful for him to have to hear that I had wanted to be with Paul again, even if it was only a fleeting feeling, but I know the Bear and know he would understand, but couldn't work out how to say anything and the confusion and remembered feeling of being hugged by Paul meant I felt I couldn't be touched. Not by anyone.
I had to go outside and try to calm down for a bit before I could say anything to the Bear about what had happened. He was very understanding, as he always is, and told me it wasn't my fault. From my point of view, it's not the Bear's fault either, but he's still having to bear the brunt of the emotional crises that I have. He has to put up with being pushed away. He has to put up with me being an emotional wreck when something triggers my reactions. He's the one that has to put me back together when I fall apart. He's the one that has to encourage me to keep going when all I want to do is curl up in a corner.
My Bear is fantastic. How he puts up with all this, I don't know, but all he keeps saying is "It's not your fault, and one day you'll be able to deal with all these things and have your life back".
That's why I want to get this latest dress off the machine and onto a hanger. I want to get my creative head working on the next one, because then I stop thinking about other things for a while and really feel free. I get happy and excited when I create and it spills over into the rest of my time. The Bear loves watching me as I work, fascinated that I can just pin and cut without using patterns, just seeing what I want it to look like in my head and making it like that. It will also give me a sense of achievement that even though I have been having a rough time of late, I can still make something beautiful and worthwhile. It gives me purpose and meaning in an otherwise quite uninteresting life.
posted by Me at 9:24 pm
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