Very unsettling...
That was tonight's experience. One minute I'm quietly messing about, tickling the bear while he kept slapping my hand away, the next he play-punched in my direction, not even coming close to connecting, and I was a total wreck. I burst into tears and had to curl up into his arms for big cuddles for a good 20 minutes before I could settle down enough to try and think rationally about what had just happened.
Paul never actually punched me. Slapped me, yes, but never punched me, and it's usually only things that have happened that will trigger a response. If someone gets too close to my neck for instance, I can have a bit of a freak-out. That's why I didn't understand my reaction.
I think part of it was the instant reminder of someone I cared for doing something as horrible as being violent towards me. Someone I trusted and someone I would have done anything for suddenly turning into something to be feared.
Rationally I know that the Bear would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I know how placid and gentle he is with me, especially avoiding doing things he knows will trigger a response. He has put his hands near my neck on a couple of occasions to show proffessionals what my reaction is, even when he says beforehand what he is going to do. It's almost Pavlovian the way I react to certain things.
On top of that, something has upset my stomach and I feel rather sick. It started last night, so hopefully it will sort itself out soon. Mouse was sick last night too, but that was just a huge hairball. He seems ok today.
Tomorrow I hope to be better so I can get on with the sewing project and a couple of alterations that need finishing off for someone.
Paul never actually punched me. Slapped me, yes, but never punched me, and it's usually only things that have happened that will trigger a response. If someone gets too close to my neck for instance, I can have a bit of a freak-out. That's why I didn't understand my reaction.
I think part of it was the instant reminder of someone I cared for doing something as horrible as being violent towards me. Someone I trusted and someone I would have done anything for suddenly turning into something to be feared.
Rationally I know that the Bear would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I know how placid and gentle he is with me, especially avoiding doing things he knows will trigger a response. He has put his hands near my neck on a couple of occasions to show proffessionals what my reaction is, even when he says beforehand what he is going to do. It's almost Pavlovian the way I react to certain things.
On top of that, something has upset my stomach and I feel rather sick. It started last night, so hopefully it will sort itself out soon. Mouse was sick last night too, but that was just a huge hairball. He seems ok today.
Tomorrow I hope to be better so I can get on with the sewing project and a couple of alterations that need finishing off for someone.
posted by Me at 12:34 am
1 Comments:
I have that same reaction. Still. It's been almost 10 years since I left the relationship in which my partner was abusive, and I still react to certain movements and situations badly.
There are also things that my stepfather used to do that, when I sort of see them, I freak out.
Over the years I've learned that sometimes the brain will override all rationalization and reason and simply run on what it perceives as self preservation. And the best that can be done is to sit back and acknowledge it as such, irrational and illogical, while carefully reigning in the panic as best one can (which really is a practiced effort that gets better with time).
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