Confusion

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I've thought about it, then decided not to, for whatever reasons. I'm only writing this now to try and get things straight in my mind, and perhaps let people understand what's going on in my head at the moment.

It's very simple and very complicated both at the same time.

First of all, I want to go home. Simple enough, till you take into account the reason I left. Home in this case is the house in Andover I shared with my husband. I suppose it is the familiarity of the place that makes me miss it, even though I have been in my current place for a year and a half. Perhaps it is because it is rented that it doesn't feel like my real home and maybe, if I can get my own place, things will get better. For the moment though, it doesn't take away the feelings I have of wanting to be back where I had friends, things to do, places to go, prospects of work and so on.

Secondly, and the more difficult thing to get my head round, is the fact that I want my husband. I miss him so very much and feel lonely without him. I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Sadly, his personality changed (or perhaps reverted) and he was no longer the sweetheart who swept me off my feet and asked me to marry him after only three weeks of us knowing each other. I had that for over a year- the loving, protective and wonderful man that I still wish I was with. I miss the feel of his skin, the touch of his hand, snuggling up to him in bed at night, the smell of his aftershave and his little habits that were so endearing.

I don't miss the arguments, the humiliation, the being ignored and the pain.

I can't live with him, but it's feeling increasingly difficult to live without him.

He's started haunting my dreams again. In my dreams I want to run to him and hold him, but can't. It's the fear that stops me, but I long for him. In my dreams he goes from loving to monster in an instant, something that happened in reality over time so I can't even tell you where it all started. It's like a beautiful tiger- you want to pet and cuddle it, but it's too dangerous. I want to love and care for my husband, but he is too dangerous for me.

I admit it- I still love him as much as I did when I married him. That's my problem. I can't stop loving him despite what he has done, and I know I can no longer face him. I have been able to face him, and I spoke to him once upon a time, but I later found out what he was saying behind my back and the cruelty of it crushed me to a point where I can no longer even think of him without pain.

My greatest difficulty now is to keep going every day. I don't feel like I am anyone's special someone. Friends are fantastic and keep telling me that I am not alone, but I look around my house and there is no one there. There is no one I can just drop round to have a cuppa with. There is no one just dropping by here and telling me to get the kettle on. People tell me I must go and visit them, but I don't have the finances to do it. I haven't had a holiday since Christmas 2008, although I have been to Wales a couple of times, and down to see another friend, but those were babysitting exercises, not holidays.

I don't know what I want. I think that's a lot of my problem. I'm confused and very tired, as the dreams wake me up in a panic. I still have problems going out, even when I know I have to, like today. I should be taking a repeat prescription request in to my doctor, but I know I can't go out just like that. I just feel like he is going to turn up and try and speak to me. I know in my sensible moments that he isn't actually that bothered, and wouldn't come all the way up here, but it doesn't stop the monsters under the bed.

All I want to do is sleep without dreams, go out without my anxiety making my life hell and to stop loving the man that no longer exists in the body of my husband. It would be easier if he was dead, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone other than myself. Today I would quite happily go to sleep without dreams and not wake up unless I could forget the last ten years.

I've always said I never regret anything in my life because it's brought me to where I am now, but I have changed my mind. I regret meeting the man who is still my husband simply because my mind is no longer stable enough to have any kind of normal life. The long-term prognosis is that I will be prone to the depression and anxiety for the rest of my life although there is a chance of recovery from the way I am now. There is no timescale for that and it could be months or years before I can function normally again.

Sometimes I'm just not sure I want to live like this any longer. I'm doing my best though and I'm still here for now.