Difficult Much?
Another day, another message left on voicemail for the "dearly beloved" ex-husband. I'm getting a bit annoyed that there's been no response whatsoever other than YET ANOTHER blog on his livejournal site. feel free to have a read.
Anyway, I know he reads this, so here's a message for you Mr B:
Phone me to discuss collection of my property. Do so promptly, or I will be forced to return to my solicitor and explain the number of times I have attempted to contact you as per his letter. I will then discuss the action I am permitted to take if you are not willing to comply with my solicitor's request for me to contact you to discuss collection of my property and dates which you will be amenable for the same to happen. I am quite willing and able to pack my own property, if that is what is causing the delay in response, and am perfectly willing to do so without further contact with yourself. I will be contacting my solicitor on Monday morning, so you have a further 36 hours in which to contact me.
To everyone else: As you can see, life is just the same as ever: I am still being ignored, despite not even living with him. It's funny how I clung to the love I felt for the man I married, despite him turning a bit Mr Hyde on me over the years. I thought about it the other night and will hopefully have a new blog to be posted soon, once I have marshalled all my thoughts on the matter. Needless to say, the love I had for the man I married has been rationalised. Himself is no longer that man, so there is no need for me to go on loving him, as there has been no need for the last few years. I did it then, but no longer.
I am not "over him" in any callous way, as he was happy to tell me. I am quite aware now that he was over me a long time ago, but a fear of failure that plagues his life meant he could NOT leave me. I would have to be the one that did the leaving.
I am now firmly of the belief that he offered me the chance of going to other men as a way of getting rid of me, believing perhaps that I would find another man to move on with. As it happens, all I found was a companion who would be my friend and confidante to the point where I felt comfortable enough to talk about the violence in my relationship for the first time, and then to have a self-realisation that there was no way that I could continue in such a self-destructive relationship where I was treated like a second-class citizen. I left for that reason, and that alone. A reason he seems to still be denying to himself, and neither confirming nor denying to others when questioned over his appalling behavciour while married to me, and, as seen above, continuing after I left.
I have more confidence, more self-respect and am becoming the person I was before I married a man who trod me into the ground, walked over me, made me doubt myself and who turned me into a mere shadow of the person I was when I met him. I will never forgive him for making me feel that I was not good enough to the point where I almost committed suicide in the bathroom at home, with him on the other side of the door, egging me on as I wrote a goodbye letter to my parents apologising for having to kill myself, but seeing no reason to live, being worthless, as I was made to feel.
I am NOT worthless. I am worth more than him. I am worth more than a man with no conscience, with no thought for anyone other than himself, a selfish being with no love for any other than the reflection. I was married to Narcissus, and I grew dim in his shadow, but now the sun has moved on, and I can warm myself in the glow of those around me who care for more than the self, those that make my life worthwhile, and those I care about, and am cared for by in return. The two-way relationship of true friends and loved ones is worth a million relationships where the self and ego are all and everyone else is but a bug to be trodden underfoot whenever they are a nuicance.
I am stronger. I am better. I am a PERSON.
Anyway, I know he reads this, so here's a message for you Mr B:
Phone me to discuss collection of my property. Do so promptly, or I will be forced to return to my solicitor and explain the number of times I have attempted to contact you as per his letter. I will then discuss the action I am permitted to take if you are not willing to comply with my solicitor's request for me to contact you to discuss collection of my property and dates which you will be amenable for the same to happen. I am quite willing and able to pack my own property, if that is what is causing the delay in response, and am perfectly willing to do so without further contact with yourself. I will be contacting my solicitor on Monday morning, so you have a further 36 hours in which to contact me.
To everyone else: As you can see, life is just the same as ever: I am still being ignored, despite not even living with him. It's funny how I clung to the love I felt for the man I married, despite him turning a bit Mr Hyde on me over the years. I thought about it the other night and will hopefully have a new blog to be posted soon, once I have marshalled all my thoughts on the matter. Needless to say, the love I had for the man I married has been rationalised. Himself is no longer that man, so there is no need for me to go on loving him, as there has been no need for the last few years. I did it then, but no longer.
I am not "over him" in any callous way, as he was happy to tell me. I am quite aware now that he was over me a long time ago, but a fear of failure that plagues his life meant he could NOT leave me. I would have to be the one that did the leaving.
I am now firmly of the belief that he offered me the chance of going to other men as a way of getting rid of me, believing perhaps that I would find another man to move on with. As it happens, all I found was a companion who would be my friend and confidante to the point where I felt comfortable enough to talk about the violence in my relationship for the first time, and then to have a self-realisation that there was no way that I could continue in such a self-destructive relationship where I was treated like a second-class citizen. I left for that reason, and that alone. A reason he seems to still be denying to himself, and neither confirming nor denying to others when questioned over his appalling behavciour while married to me, and, as seen above, continuing after I left.
I have more confidence, more self-respect and am becoming the person I was before I married a man who trod me into the ground, walked over me, made me doubt myself and who turned me into a mere shadow of the person I was when I met him. I will never forgive him for making me feel that I was not good enough to the point where I almost committed suicide in the bathroom at home, with him on the other side of the door, egging me on as I wrote a goodbye letter to my parents apologising for having to kill myself, but seeing no reason to live, being worthless, as I was made to feel.
I am NOT worthless. I am worth more than him. I am worth more than a man with no conscience, with no thought for anyone other than himself, a selfish being with no love for any other than the reflection. I was married to Narcissus, and I grew dim in his shadow, but now the sun has moved on, and I can warm myself in the glow of those around me who care for more than the self, those that make my life worthwhile, and those I care about, and am cared for by in return. The two-way relationship of true friends and loved ones is worth a million relationships where the self and ego are all and everyone else is but a bug to be trodden underfoot whenever they are a nuicance.
I am stronger. I am better. I am a PERSON.
posted by Me at 11:47 am
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