Back to square one.
I thought things were improving. How wrong was I? Nothing has changed here.
Himself is so wrapped up in being someone else's hero that I'm sat here like a lemon again, watching him sit and text, knowing that he's going to do some DIY for someone else when I can't even get the bath cleaned out after he's been painting and got paint everywhere (and it's taken him about 5 months to get two coats of paint on a wall). He's going to do electrics, rewiring, when I can't even get a room cleared out to work in. He complains that my sewing stuff is all over the living room. If I had a work room, I wouldn't have that mess, would I?
Yep, I could clear it out myself, but god help me if I touched his stuff.
I now have to go into the junk room and clear it out anyway. I got so pissed off at being the "other woman" in his life that I took my wedding ring off and threw it up the stairs. His response was to chuck it in the junk room. He hasn't worn his in months. Apparently he has something come up on his finger when he wears it. This is the first I've heard of it. It's never been mentioned before now. Why should it? I mean, it's not like I really believe that anyway. I'm more of the view that he's not interested in looking like a married man. He's more interested in his "friends" and what they think of him and how badly I treat him. According to him anyway.
His latest: I have to go back to the hospital next month to find out what happens next with my gynae stuff. I was told tonight that I had demanded to be taken there by him. He previously said he would like to speak to my doctor/specialist/whatever, so I told him when the appointment was and asked if he would take me there and come and speak to them. He agreed, since it's what he wanted, right? Wrong.
I have demanded that he take me there. I have threatened him with unspeakable wrath should he fail...
I asked if he would take me there and if he would come and speak to the doctor.
Which one do you think really happened?
As of this moment, I am going on my own. I shall take the train to Winchester and get to the hospital on my own. I shall speak to the doctors on my own. I shall make the decisions that may need made on my own. If further treatment or tests become necessary, I shall get to the hospital on my own. I will get home on my own. I will not even ask him to visit and will reccomend that he stays away, just in case he gets the sudden urge to claim that I forced him to drive 20 minutes down the road to fetch me after an operation, or to visit me if I have to stay in for a few days. My life shouldn't be of any concern to him at all in case I say something out of place or ask for something unreasonable, like perhaps a husband.
I am now officially a single person trapped in a marriage that he's not interested in. He's more interested in having someone who is a doormat. Someone who doesn't speak, doesn't have a single original thought or controversial view. Someone who will cook, clean, wash, wash up, tidy and not demand things like partnership, equality, conversation, someone to share things with, to talk to, to share problems with.
Oh no, he's so happy to help other people out. He's happy to be there for them when they have problems. He's happy to rush off to help with their stuff. He's happy to do anything anyone else asks of him. I wouldn't care if I got the same treatment. I want something done? That's right, I have to either do it myself or ask my neighbour to do it for me.
A quote from his blog: "People need people to talk to sometimes and they say a problem shared helps... But finding the right people to talk to is the trick. Am I the right person to talk to? In some cases I might be, in others I will not be. Some people will find their own way of dealing with things, whether we think it as the right thing or wrong is not ours to judge. What I think is important is being there for them if they need to talk." The question is who I'm supposed to talk to, since this seemingly caring individual whith these views on talking, problem sharing and all that guff doesn't talk to me on anything that could be considered as important or a problem that I might want to share and have another view on things.
Another quote from his blog, this time from a reply that he got... "D told me of your offer of "help" :-)". Anyone else here finding that something to make you choke on your cocoa? "Help". What's that supposed to mean? Call me paranoid, but that just makes my hackles rise.
I'm sick of this. I live in the dark. He's passworded his computer (I know this because I saw him sign in to it when he turned it on one day. I have NOT been spying on him and trying to get into his stuff) so that I definitely can't get onto it when he's not around. Not that I really want to these days. What would I find on there if I did? Something to make me want to crawl into a black hole and never come out? My guess is that it's probably closer to the truth than he's willing to let on.
Why the hell am I writing all this stuff anyway? I know the outcome... SHE will say I'm a big old meany-mean-pants and that I'm saying SHE isn't allowed to talk to HER FRIEND. I don't give a rats ass if she talks to her friend, although I'd appreciate it a lot more if her darling friend was actually taking as much care and paying as much attention to me. SHE will then probably mail him again saying I'm horrid and that she can't talk to him again. He will then stomp out the house in a foul mood again saying I don't want him to have friends or to talk to anyone. I will have to capitualte AGAIN and be back at the beginning once more.
If you want him so badly, you take him and just let's get it over with, shall we? This isn't doing my health any favours whatsoever, and I get called names for being depressed because my life is a big pile of shit. Right now, I don't care about you. I don't give a damn: you obviously care so little about me so why should I have any kindness, compassion or sympathy for you?
If you don't want him, how about you do me a huge favour and tell him where he should be directing his attention, who he should be talking to and who he should be listening to. If you care even one jot about what happens, try and see things from my side just for once. See past his crap that he spouts about being a caring shoulder, a sympathetic ear and wonder what it's like living like I do: I see a cold shoulder, an unfeeling, uncaring individual who is more concerned about how other people see him than how he treats his home life and someone who doesn't bother to listen unless I'm shouting at stupid hours of the day because it's the only time I get a reaction.
I don't know why I bother any more. I had my hair done. I had it cut and coloured to tone down the colour I put in when bored. It looks really nice... But I may as well have shaved it all off for all he cares or has commented. I think I got a "It doesn't look much different" out of him and then a "yeah" when I showed him it again in the light and told him "it's a lot lighter". I joined a slimming club, and to be honest, I'll more than likely be cooking for myself and eating salads and stuff while he's ordering pizza or troughing down in an Indian takeaway, burgers, sausages and other things like that. That's if he can be bothered to cook for himself, or whether I'll be the one making a big fry-up for him and a salad and jacket potato for me.
I don't know what I want any more. I'm not even sure I could show you who the real me is now. Me now is unhappy. I'm tired. I just want to be a someone to somebody, and I can't see that being the case. I've tried all sorts of things... I tried lavishing attention and got none in return. I tried ignoring him, and got the same reaction. I tried doing houseowrk and making the place nice. He walks through the house as if he has his eyes shut until he gets to his computer. I spend less time on my computer, because he said I was spending too long on it, so now I sit alone on the sofa watching television in the evenings while he sits on his computer.
Ah well, I'm sure I'll be in for another round of him stomping off when he reads this. I think I'm past caring though. He can stomp all he likes. I've had my say and I'm tired of having my say when no one else is speaking then getting slated for it. I'm tired of being the bad person.
Maybe he's right though. Maybe I'm just not worth it. If anyone wants me, I'll be on my own somewhere, talking to no one. Let's face it here... When it gets to the point where even your own husband doesn't want you, what are you really left with? Nothing.
I am nothing. Ignore me.
Himself is so wrapped up in being someone else's hero that I'm sat here like a lemon again, watching him sit and text, knowing that he's going to do some DIY for someone else when I can't even get the bath cleaned out after he's been painting and got paint everywhere (and it's taken him about 5 months to get two coats of paint on a wall). He's going to do electrics, rewiring, when I can't even get a room cleared out to work in. He complains that my sewing stuff is all over the living room. If I had a work room, I wouldn't have that mess, would I?
Yep, I could clear it out myself, but god help me if I touched his stuff.
I now have to go into the junk room and clear it out anyway. I got so pissed off at being the "other woman" in his life that I took my wedding ring off and threw it up the stairs. His response was to chuck it in the junk room. He hasn't worn his in months. Apparently he has something come up on his finger when he wears it. This is the first I've heard of it. It's never been mentioned before now. Why should it? I mean, it's not like I really believe that anyway. I'm more of the view that he's not interested in looking like a married man. He's more interested in his "friends" and what they think of him and how badly I treat him. According to him anyway.
His latest: I have to go back to the hospital next month to find out what happens next with my gynae stuff. I was told tonight that I had demanded to be taken there by him. He previously said he would like to speak to my doctor/specialist/whatever, so I told him when the appointment was and asked if he would take me there and come and speak to them. He agreed, since it's what he wanted, right? Wrong.
I have demanded that he take me there. I have threatened him with unspeakable wrath should he fail...
I asked if he would take me there and if he would come and speak to the doctor.
Which one do you think really happened?
As of this moment, I am going on my own. I shall take the train to Winchester and get to the hospital on my own. I shall speak to the doctors on my own. I shall make the decisions that may need made on my own. If further treatment or tests become necessary, I shall get to the hospital on my own. I will get home on my own. I will not even ask him to visit and will reccomend that he stays away, just in case he gets the sudden urge to claim that I forced him to drive 20 minutes down the road to fetch me after an operation, or to visit me if I have to stay in for a few days. My life shouldn't be of any concern to him at all in case I say something out of place or ask for something unreasonable, like perhaps a husband.
I am now officially a single person trapped in a marriage that he's not interested in. He's more interested in having someone who is a doormat. Someone who doesn't speak, doesn't have a single original thought or controversial view. Someone who will cook, clean, wash, wash up, tidy and not demand things like partnership, equality, conversation, someone to share things with, to talk to, to share problems with.
Oh no, he's so happy to help other people out. He's happy to be there for them when they have problems. He's happy to rush off to help with their stuff. He's happy to do anything anyone else asks of him. I wouldn't care if I got the same treatment. I want something done? That's right, I have to either do it myself or ask my neighbour to do it for me.
A quote from his blog: "People need people to talk to sometimes and they say a problem shared helps... But finding the right people to talk to is the trick. Am I the right person to talk to? In some cases I might be, in others I will not be. Some people will find their own way of dealing with things, whether we think it as the right thing or wrong is not ours to judge. What I think is important is being there for them if they need to talk." The question is who I'm supposed to talk to, since this seemingly caring individual whith these views on talking, problem sharing and all that guff doesn't talk to me on anything that could be considered as important or a problem that I might want to share and have another view on things.
Another quote from his blog, this time from a reply that he got... "D told me of your offer of "help" :-)". Anyone else here finding that something to make you choke on your cocoa? "Help". What's that supposed to mean? Call me paranoid, but that just makes my hackles rise.
I'm sick of this. I live in the dark. He's passworded his computer (I know this because I saw him sign in to it when he turned it on one day. I have NOT been spying on him and trying to get into his stuff) so that I definitely can't get onto it when he's not around. Not that I really want to these days. What would I find on there if I did? Something to make me want to crawl into a black hole and never come out? My guess is that it's probably closer to the truth than he's willing to let on.
Why the hell am I writing all this stuff anyway? I know the outcome... SHE will say I'm a big old meany-mean-pants and that I'm saying SHE isn't allowed to talk to HER FRIEND. I don't give a rats ass if she talks to her friend, although I'd appreciate it a lot more if her darling friend was actually taking as much care and paying as much attention to me. SHE will then probably mail him again saying I'm horrid and that she can't talk to him again. He will then stomp out the house in a foul mood again saying I don't want him to have friends or to talk to anyone. I will have to capitualte AGAIN and be back at the beginning once more.
If you want him so badly, you take him and just let's get it over with, shall we? This isn't doing my health any favours whatsoever, and I get called names for being depressed because my life is a big pile of shit. Right now, I don't care about you. I don't give a damn: you obviously care so little about me so why should I have any kindness, compassion or sympathy for you?
If you don't want him, how about you do me a huge favour and tell him where he should be directing his attention, who he should be talking to and who he should be listening to. If you care even one jot about what happens, try and see things from my side just for once. See past his crap that he spouts about being a caring shoulder, a sympathetic ear and wonder what it's like living like I do: I see a cold shoulder, an unfeeling, uncaring individual who is more concerned about how other people see him than how he treats his home life and someone who doesn't bother to listen unless I'm shouting at stupid hours of the day because it's the only time I get a reaction.
I don't know why I bother any more. I had my hair done. I had it cut and coloured to tone down the colour I put in when bored. It looks really nice... But I may as well have shaved it all off for all he cares or has commented. I think I got a "It doesn't look much different" out of him and then a "yeah" when I showed him it again in the light and told him "it's a lot lighter". I joined a slimming club, and to be honest, I'll more than likely be cooking for myself and eating salads and stuff while he's ordering pizza or troughing down in an Indian takeaway, burgers, sausages and other things like that. That's if he can be bothered to cook for himself, or whether I'll be the one making a big fry-up for him and a salad and jacket potato for me.
I don't know what I want any more. I'm not even sure I could show you who the real me is now. Me now is unhappy. I'm tired. I just want to be a someone to somebody, and I can't see that being the case. I've tried all sorts of things... I tried lavishing attention and got none in return. I tried ignoring him, and got the same reaction. I tried doing houseowrk and making the place nice. He walks through the house as if he has his eyes shut until he gets to his computer. I spend less time on my computer, because he said I was spending too long on it, so now I sit alone on the sofa watching television in the evenings while he sits on his computer.
Ah well, I'm sure I'll be in for another round of him stomping off when he reads this. I think I'm past caring though. He can stomp all he likes. I've had my say and I'm tired of having my say when no one else is speaking then getting slated for it. I'm tired of being the bad person.
Maybe he's right though. Maybe I'm just not worth it. If anyone wants me, I'll be on my own somewhere, talking to no one. Let's face it here... When it gets to the point where even your own husband doesn't want you, what are you really left with? Nothing.
I am nothing. Ignore me.
posted by Me at 12:12 am
4 Comments:
I'd type all that I want to say here, but then that fucking white trailer trash ex girlfriend (and him, of course) would start pouring through my blog again like creepy fucking stalkers that really should have more important things to do with their time.
Like being decent human fucking beings.
Answer your phone, woman. If it needs a top up, I'll pay for it. I don't care. You need to be available on a phone for me within 24 hours or I call the local police to knock on your door.
My phone is fine... I'm just in a different timezone and 1am on a Saturday will usually see me in bed asleep. For the record, we just went forward an hour on the clocks too. Don't ask me what the time differential is these days. It used to be 7 hours, but I've no clue now...
I'll blog about why I was in bed so early shortly... It was mostly due to being up at the crack of sparrow fart to go out...
I wasn't concerned that you'd do yourself any harm, but like I said to you...more annoyed that you were not answering the phone. The threat to call the police was merely a threat to actually get you to email/text/respond (since you rarely do when you are upset).
I can't wait until September, we'll have a ball. And since we're meant to be in Scotland anyway...your plan sounds fantastic. B can hang out with the groomsmen and get pissed on his own (really, I'll be one of the only women traveling there for it).
Take care of yourself! Buy a vibrator. Hah.
This totally sucks and I hate that you feel this way. I wish I could something but I'm a chicken shit who won't leave her own country much less her continent.
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