Oh the excitement...
We went to a meeting tonight about the vehicle show we are going to at the end of next week. Everyone seems to have something to do: Himself will be gleefully manning the off-road course, other people will be marshalling it with him, others will be doing the field marshalling, or be up on the gate keeping an eye on the comings and goings...
I'm the tea lady.
I don't mind cooking, washing up, preparing food, making sure everyone gets fed and watered, but it is a bit of a kick to the old feeling of usefulness that all I'm really fit for is sitting in my kitchen waiting for people to need fed and watered. I know I won't be called on very often to do anything. I know fine well that my offer to cook up anything people throw at me to save them doing it will be ignored. I know that I will end up pottering about on my own for the most part with the occasional house guest dropping by to make sure I'm alright and to ease a few consciences because I've been left on my own.
It wouldn't be so bad if I actually liked my own company, but frankly, I don't like myself. This other me that's in my place is a moany old bird, and has long periods of self-doubt and self-pity which frankly grates on my nerves.
I was thinking of keeping a daily diary of the things that happen, what I do and get up to, but I doubt it will really be worth doing if all I'm doing is swapping the four walls of my house for the boundaries of the camp. I might surprise myself and actually be doing things though, but right here and now, in this dip of depression, it's very hard to look over the hill to see if there's anything nice on the other side.
I've been looking forward to this fortnight for a while, but I have also had deep misgivings about it...
I'm a hinderance. I'm slow and need help with stuff. I need ferried about if there's distances involved, and you can bet quite a reasonable sum that himself will be busy a lot and not able to take me places most of the time. I can sit and watch people have fun, but I can't really join in properly. I can watch people working, setting out the field and getting things ready, but I can't help out in any great way.
I can be the tea lady. I can boil the kettle and make tea, but when the temperature is reaching 40 degrees celcius, as it usually does for the show every year, who is going to want hot tea? I can offer to cook for people, but I know I will just end up cooking for the usual crowd, twice a day, breakfast and evening meal. Everything in between will be... lonely.
Ho hum. I'll take a book to read...
I'm the tea lady.
I don't mind cooking, washing up, preparing food, making sure everyone gets fed and watered, but it is a bit of a kick to the old feeling of usefulness that all I'm really fit for is sitting in my kitchen waiting for people to need fed and watered. I know I won't be called on very often to do anything. I know fine well that my offer to cook up anything people throw at me to save them doing it will be ignored. I know that I will end up pottering about on my own for the most part with the occasional house guest dropping by to make sure I'm alright and to ease a few consciences because I've been left on my own.
It wouldn't be so bad if I actually liked my own company, but frankly, I don't like myself. This other me that's in my place is a moany old bird, and has long periods of self-doubt and self-pity which frankly grates on my nerves.
I was thinking of keeping a daily diary of the things that happen, what I do and get up to, but I doubt it will really be worth doing if all I'm doing is swapping the four walls of my house for the boundaries of the camp. I might surprise myself and actually be doing things though, but right here and now, in this dip of depression, it's very hard to look over the hill to see if there's anything nice on the other side.
I've been looking forward to this fortnight for a while, but I have also had deep misgivings about it...
I'm a hinderance. I'm slow and need help with stuff. I need ferried about if there's distances involved, and you can bet quite a reasonable sum that himself will be busy a lot and not able to take me places most of the time. I can sit and watch people have fun, but I can't really join in properly. I can watch people working, setting out the field and getting things ready, but I can't help out in any great way.
I can be the tea lady. I can boil the kettle and make tea, but when the temperature is reaching 40 degrees celcius, as it usually does for the show every year, who is going to want hot tea? I can offer to cook for people, but I know I will just end up cooking for the usual crowd, twice a day, breakfast and evening meal. Everything in between will be... lonely.
Ho hum. I'll take a book to read...
posted by Me at 1:40 am
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